Getting Over Homesickness
Once you get your basic necessities arranged and the excitement of your new country wears off a bit, you could find yourself moving through the stages of homesickness. I know I did, and it’s an emotional roller coaster for you, the people you interact with in your new country, and your friends and family back “home.”
Homesickness and Grief
The brain on homesickness is much like the brain on grief—the stages and emotions are remarkably similar, and that makes sense. You are, after all, mourning the death of your former existence to a large degree.
According to the article Feeling homesick? (at canadianimmigrant.ca):
Confronted by feelings of loss, many immigrants experience a profound sense of grief. Grief is a natural emotional reaction to loss. Theorists suggest that it is characterized by five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, otherwise known as the grief cycle.
I can attest to the similarity of homesickness and grief, because I absolutely
went through all the stages (if you go through my posts in the Expat Adventures and Australia categories, you will read all the telltale signs—I have deliberately not removed some of my more scathing posts as a testament to this). At times I was at absolute war with my new surroundings. I mean I resisted everything. Other times, I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, I was so depressed—and I’m a pretty strong, resilient woman—so my inability to cope initially surprised even me.
Eventually I stopped beating myself up about how I was handling life as an expat, and accepted that I was indeed moving through the stages of homesickness. I resigned myself to dealing with things one day at a time…some days I was totally fine, others weepy here and there. But the days between those emotions eventually grew as I adjusted. I came to genuinely enjoy many things about Sydney (in spite of my frustration), and the truth is, now, it is forever a part of my heart.
Homesickness Resources
Half of the homesickness battle is education and distraction, the other half is time, plain and simple. You will adjust, but it might take six months to a year or longer. The process is very individual and you may or may not experience severe homesickness depending on what happened in your life before you moved overseas. In the interim, here are links to help you better understand and cope with homesickness:
- 12 Weeks After Arrival: Homesickness – Tips for Coping with Homesickness
- Singing the Homesick Blues
- Why Expats Fail to Make a Go of a New Life Abroad
- Find a counsellor through the Australian Counsellors Association
Next: Getting Connected
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for your candid discussion of expat homesickness. I moved from San Francisco to London three months ago, and there are days the pain of being 5,000 miles from home can be so acute I feel like there’s a hole in my chest. I’ve been beating myself up for being “weak,” so it helps to read of others’ experiences and know that what I’m feeling is normal! Much appreciated!
@gritandglamour
March 16, 2011
Holly~
Thank you for your comment. I know exactly how you feel, which is why I put these posts together. If just one person—like you—reads and realizes they are not alone in these feelings, that they are totally normal, then I have achieved something!
The one-month and three-month milestones were very difficult for me, and I know all too well the acuteness of that hole in the chest. Expat blogs can be a wonderful source of support and camaraderie; I hope you have found other America-to-London blogs because those mirrored experiences really help to validate your feelings and know that your are totally within the realm.
Thanks again for your comment. If you ever want to chat, find me on Twitter @gritandglamour.
Hang in there! It does get better. And spring is around the corner, thank goodness.
Thanks for talking about your homesickness experience. I am 18 and I am spenidng a year in Australia. I’ve only been here fro 3 days and it’s much harder being away from my family than I thought it would be. I’m from Houston and I honestly feel like I left my heart there and it just hurts. I’m glad to know that homesickness is just a part of being away from home so thank you!
@gritandglamour
August 6, 2011
Oh, Layne, honey, I know what you are feeling! Thank you for commenting.
Those of us from the American south know an unbridled, exceptional amount of freedom, and aside from missing our loved ones, the rules and general rigidity of Australia can seem quite oppressive. Do your best to not beat yourself up…you are experiencing life upside down and inside out! It wasn’t until my Aussie hubby came here and experienced our freedoms, our exceptionally high quality of life for a low cost of living that he understood why I found it so difficult to adjust in Sydney. Know that unless someone has done exactly what you are doing, they can never really understand what it is like, and unfortunately, you may find that people you thought were your friends will suddenly have a massive loss of patience and understanding.
What I can tell you is that even though living in Australia was extremely challenging for me, it was an amazing experience that made me a stronger, more resilient person. I have always been terrified of being alone, and although I was not alone in Oz, I realized after all of it (because emotionally, you are totally alone initially) that I was stronger than I realized and I COULD be alone. This may sound crazy right now, but down the track, you will understand.
So here is my advice:
1. Stay busy. Volunteer or connect with American expats through Meetup or an Internet search for groups there.
2. Enjoy the beauty of Australia. It really is just absolutely gorgeous.
3. Try to remember this is temporary…so make the most of it.
4. Enjoy these things: cheap, excellent wine (THE BEST); Bundaberg Rum; Tim Tams; excellent Indian and Thai food; “No worries, arvo, Maccas” — all those crazy and fun Aussie sayings; stunning beaches.
5. Skype and Webcam as often as you need with your American family and friends and don’t feel bad about it!
6. The Aussies are GORGE! Find someone who takes your fancy and it’s all more bearable!
Email me if you ever need support. Seriously.
Best of luck to you!
xo
I really enjoyed reading your blog and advice for homesickness. Im in a different kind of position. I actually was born in Sydney and grew up here until I was just 18. My dad got a position in Dallas, Tx so the whole family moved over there. I hated Texas at first and felt strongly as an Aussie that missed home. Over the years I fell in love with Texas, went to college and experienced it all in my young age. Unfortunately I got into trouble a few years ago and was deported back to Australia two months ago. Im not allowed to return to the United States again. My parents and two brothers are still over there but are in different states. Luckily my little brother has just come back to Australia to live. Its weird as although Im Australian and Im at home I felt like Texas was my real home now and I wanted my life to be there. I find it hard in some ways to let go of the great things I had over in Texas and the great people I knew. The hardest thing to except is I cant ever go back over there. I will take your advice and live day by day, I know I will get better but its just hard not to let my mind race about “what could of been” in the great state of Texas
@gritandglamour
August 15, 2011
Mike~
Thanks for your comment, and for sharing your situation. I feel for you, I truly do. One thing that has always terrified me is the idea that the U.S. and Australian governments ultimately hold the future of my relationship with my husband in their hands. While my husband now has a green card here in the U.S., as your experience illustrates, that is no real guarantee of the ability to stay in the country permanently.I do remind him often, and he is aware that he cannot make rash decisions that could potentially jeopardize his immigration status.
At least your brother is there. Keep yourself busy, try to make this radical change in your life a catalyst for positive change. That’s all you can do…you have to move forward and know that although the separation is devastating, it will not kill you. Hopefully your family will be able to come visit you in the future.
Good luck, sending positive energy your way.
Forgot to add I lived in Texas for over ten years and had to leave a very serious relationship there
I really enjoyed this blog too! I am glad to know I am not the only one going through this.
I just moved from NC to the Carribean to study med. school and it’s hitting me really hard. I miss my home, my family and friends and I just can’t stop thinking about being back there. I have to be here for another year and a half with three week breaks every four months or so. Right now, I am just waiting for classes to start so that I can get busy and stop thinking about being back home but it’s so hard being away! I want to enjoy the island but I can’t stop thinking about going back home, which surprised me because I have always wanted to travel and explore the world. Sigh.
@gritandglamour
September 2, 2011
Madhura~
I can seriously identify with being surprised by homesickness when you have jetsetter dreams. Traveling for exploration is VERY different than moving somewhere, as you now know. Everyone on earth I’ve ever spoken to has said, “why would you leave Sydney?” Or if they’ve been on vacay there, “I’d love to live there!” What they don’t realize (especially some Americans who are used to a different modern life with more freedom and convenience) is that when you are on holiday, you don’t experience the logistics of everyday life. You look at most places through rose-colored glasses, and with cash in your pocket for holiday indulgences. It’s not until you live somewhere that you find out that most buildings aren’t fully ducted for climate control, that phone contracts are two years and you’re liable for the full amount, that you pay for Internet by the gig, or that all the stores shut at like 6pm. Those are the things that DRIVE YOU CRAZY…
Anyway, as I’ve said to some above, you must keep yourself busy. Try to find an expat group to hook up with. Remind yourself that it’s temporary, and thank God, flying home to NC isn’t that far (unlike to Oz…my God, the flights). Skype with your friends and family (video calls are enormously helpful). Above all, do not lie in bed depressed all day. I’ve found that even forcing myself out for a walk did wonders because nature and people distracted me. I always came back feeling better than I had left. Your classes will start before you know it and that is excellent for occupying your mind and making friends. You will make peace with your temporary home, i promise. It takes months, but eventually, you will.
Thanks for your comment…you’ll be OK. And when all else fails, start a blog! It got me through so many days in Oz when I had no one to cry to or hang out with. Writing about your experience helps others, and is very cathartic.
Thanks so much for this blog post! I’m studying abroad in Spain for just one semester, but I’m struggling with homesickness a lot! I was feeling very alone in my unfortunate state of homesickness, but this blog makes me realize that women all over the world are facing the same thing and are getting through it =)
Hopefully I will be another one to get through it!
@gritandglamour
September 2, 2011
Hang in there, Rachel! I know it’s tough. It can feel sooooo black some days. Try to stay as busy as possible. And keep reminding yourself that it’s temporary! Please read through the comment above as well…my tips there apply to you too!
I’m an Aussie girl living in China for a year, and it’s so hard to imagine anyone feeling homesick in Australia! I loved this post and it’s how I found your whole site, and I just want to say how awesome it all is.
Bri Lee´s latest post: wondrous cooking night number two
@gritandglamour
November 8, 2011
A little late responding, but thanks for your comment! Homesickness really has nothing to do with where you are as much as where you call “home,” no matter what country or city that may be. The roots we put down, the familiarity…doesn’t matter where you are or how great it might be, you still end up missing the feeling and ease of home.
An Aussie will always think Australia is the best, an American, the USA, a Parisian, France. It’s all relative!
It’s weird, because it’s taken me over a year of living abroad to start feeling homesick, but now it’s hit with a vengeance. Of course, over the past year I have had some days of missing home, but never like this. Now I’m often weepy and feeling a bit distant from others around me, including my husband. I’m a Californian living just outside Newcastle-Upon-Tyne. I’ve lived here, like I said, for just over a year and am actually transferring down to London in a week for work. I thought I would be so excited about it, I had really wanted to live in London, but I’m not. Perhaps my longing for home has been accentuated by the going away parties my husband is having thrown for him, showing that he was able to make lots of good friends, while I personally don’t feel I’ve really gotten close to anyone.
Like all the other commenters, I’m trying to live day by day and remind myself why I moved here. I also try to tell myself that these emotions are temporary and I need to stick with it and work my way through them. If months down the road, I can’t and I’m still feeling this upset, I can always return home. My husband and I having our careers here would make that difficult, but not much more difficult than when we moved here in the first place.
In the meantime, I am embracing the little things. I just looked out my window at another gray and drizzly day (which actually doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would) and saw two magpies in a tree. One of my favorite things about Newcastle is the number of magpies. I love to watch them fly about. According to the rhythm, two magpies together means ‘joy’ right? For now, I’ll hold on to that.
@gritandglamour
November 8, 2011
Alicia, thank you for your comment. I hope that in writing it, it gave you some release, and in reading the comments, maybe some peace too?
My heart always breaks when I see a comment from someone who is in the blackness and longing of homesickness. I’ve written it before, and I will write it again: no one who hasn’t experienced major homesickness can ever comprehend it or understand how low it can make you feel, and how unpredictable it is. They’ll just never get it, and that alienates you even more, which is the worst for combating homesickness.
I am surprised that your homesickness set in so late; not sure if you have moved around a lot in your life, and if that’s the case. At any rate, in my novice opinion, it’s probably because the novelty and excitement has worn off. And that’s totally OK, just as it’s OK that your husband seemed to have had an easier time making friends. We’re all different, and as women, we are more emotional and I think friendships are MUCH harder to establish and maintain. When I was in Australia, I really didn’t make a single friend. I had some acquaintances, but no real friends, which as you know, doesn’t help because it isolates you further. Don’t worry about that, and do not be ashamed of your feelings. Sometimes you have to cry or have a pity party or rage in your room to get it out.
I loved what you wrote about the magpies…so beautiful, and such a great attitude to have. I don’t know you, but I sense that you are bright and intelligent and resourceful. You are strong and only you can decide if after your move to London, if England really fits. You moved there, you can move back. I did. I gave up everything and tried Oz and it just didn’t work, and seriously, there were constant roadblocks. So I pulled the pin and went back to the U.S. I got another car and another job and settled back in, and you know what? I got a better car than I had before, and a higher paying job, and things have been falling into place since I returned in January 2010. I truly believe that when you are on your right life’s path, the Universe opens the doors for you.
So wait and see. Maybe this move will be the perfect thing for you both. Maybe you’ll make those friends and finally settle in. Maybe you won’t. Just know that life is too short to live it in pain and unhappiness. If it doesn’t work and you know you can’t really be happy there, talk to your husband and put a plan together. It will all work out for the best, I just know it.
My best to you, and drop me a line at gritandglamour@gmail.com with an update if you are so inclined. Would love to hear how things are going.
~V
*Rhyme, I meant, not “rhythm”
My husband and I moved from Cali to Virginia two weeks ago and it’s been incredibly difficult for me. I’ll admit that unlike my sisters I’m absolutely not a traveler. So this is hitting me extremely hard. Some days my heart aches so much it’s like a physical pain. My security is gone and all my family resides in Cali where as he at least has a brother out here. I recently got a job out here and I start in a week or so and while I know I should feel excited I’m not. In my mind it throws a wrench in my plans for going home. It scares me to pieces that we might be out here for longer than a month and most likely for years. But in my mind or rather my heart I was making plans to go home sooner rather than later and whatever logic I had goes out the window. My husband is being supportive but it’s difficult for him to see me so miserable especially after he sees me in tears after talking to my mom.
I can understand where you said you were resistant to everything. That’s the way I feel right now like I’m purposely sabotaging any sort of happiness I may out here and determined to hate everything as if to say “See honey I told you we wouldn’t like it. Lets go home” Which is unfair to my husband. So for right now I’m doing my best to take it just one day at a time and not freak out which isn’t easy. I hope this gets better. I hate this.
@gritandglamour
November 10, 2011
Hi Sara, I can definitely understand how you feel at the moment. I felt exactly the same when I moved away from my home city for the first time at age 37. And talk about tough! I wasn’t even in the same country! It IS a physical pain, a whole-body absorption that keeps you from being able to be in the moment, or feel joy or hope. Completely and totally normal, and unfortunately, kind of par for the course. As I’ve mentioned in comments above, it is this feeling of blackness that just grips you and makes you cry unexpectedly and feel so low. Do not think you are being dramatic. You are not. Your feelings are legitimate and it would be abnormal if you didn’t miss home a lot.
Now, how to handle those feelings? Yes, you do begin to feel terrified at the prospect of not going back home, and it causes you to only see the flaws in everything, even to sabotage yourself in order to force the outcome you prefer. That is totally normal too. Making those plans in your head? Yup, that’s a realistic response. I have a girlfriend who moved from home to Florida and it took her 6 years to settle in. But do know that everyday of those six years wasn’t awful. Even my husband had major homesickness when he came to the US to be with me, and he still has the occasional blue day after a year under his belt, but I know he is adjusting because now those bouts of melancholy and anger are coming less often. The beginning is tough, but it really does get better, or at least you acclimate to a point where you are not despondent, even if you don’t like your environment.
So. Stay as busy as you can. Tell yourself this isn’t forever, because, in reality it isn’t. You will visit your family. You will go home again. Over time, if things still aren’t good, you are in control of your happiness and you have to make the right decision for you. I know you’re not excited about your new job and that’s OK. The fact that you already have a job lined up is fantastic, because having somewhere to go and meet people is the best thing for you. You’ll see that after you start working, things will get better. I couldn’t work for months in Oz and it practically killed me. Within 4 months of coming to the US, my husband was in school, and now even has an internship, which has been incredible for helping him adjust. He no longer talks about wanting to go home, only that he misses his family. So, again, just go to your new job, allow yourself to feel what you feel without comparisons or guilt, and it will all work out. Read blogs, make comments, write, cry, run, workout…whatever it takes for now. You will get through it.
Let me know how you are doing when you get the chance. Would love to know.
Keep your chin up!
V
I’m originally from England and me and my family moved to Saskatchewan Canada in 2007. I still feel what I think is homesickness but it’s hard to tell after this long. I’m at the point where I’m so angry I refuse to stand for the anthem, have a general hatred for all things Canadian and just can’t wait to get the heck out of here. I feel sort of as though the longer I’m here the less of the life I was supposed to have is left to live. I have re-occurring dreams where I walk past my old house only to collapse on the floor paralyzed. I thought that maybe if I went back to England for a while I would disillusion myself and get over it, but when I came back to Canada I also returned to square one. Does this SOUND like homesickness? It seems ridiculous that it should last five years. Thanks.
@gritandglamour
January 9, 2012
Hi Penny~
So sorry to hear that you are feeling at odds with Canada, even after several years there. But know that it is totally normal! Sometimes visiting the place and people we miss so much does the opposite of soothing us once back in our new “home”…we go through a mini homesickness all over again! It has happened to me. And to my husband when he went back to Australia for five weeks after his first eight months in the U.S. He was so out of sorts for the first month or so after he got back to the U.S. Your anger is very indicative of a phase of homesickness. Anger and fighting against all the norms of your new country, being short-tempered or despondent…all typical side effects of homesickness. Give yourself some time to adjust again. It won’t be so bad after a few weeks have passed.
I have a girlfriend who moved from one state to another in the U.S. and suffered from homesickness for the first FIVE YEARS that she was there! And she was still in her own country! Eventually she adjusted, and most do. But you know what? If Canada is not where you want to be, then start putting together a plan to go back to England or wherever it is you prefer to be. Life is too short to live it unfulfilled. So if you want to go back, you should.
If you aren’t able to go back to England, or not for a long while, then I suggest that you join an expat club. Even five years in, sharing stories (and common complaints) will make you feel less alone, and you may make some new friends who are more sympathetic of your plight than Canadians or people who’ve never dealt with homesickness.
Wishing you the best and feel free to check in and let me know how you are doing! Thanks for your comment.
I am from Ireland and moved to the United Arab Emirates in August. I was quite settled until I went home for Christmas and returned back to the UAE a couple of days ago. I have left a boyfriend behind, and I miss him and my family so much. I have felt sad, lonely and quite upset; much like after my 5 year relationship break up! At the moment however, I am in bed and have not yet felt the urge to wail, so, I’m hoping this means I am starting to emerge from my doom and gloom. Nice to read about others who have felt the same way and no that I’m not alone!
XX
@gritandglamour
January 9, 2012
Hi Sarah…I do hope that you’re coming out of the fog. Sometimes going home makes leaving difficult again, even if it refreshes the psyche and quells the missing for a bit. You’re definitely NOT alone!
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m from California, have lived in NSW for about 7 years now, and am engaged to an Aussie. The longer I live here, the harder I feel it is getting. My fiance promises me that one day we will move to CA (like your husband, he loves the States and can see why I miss it) but for now we know that due to the economy back home and the lack of free health care, we should stay here a few more years and have our kids here for free. While my head knows that this made sense, I feel like I left my heart (what’s not with my fiance!) in San Francisco…
Hearing you about the oppressive rules here, lack of climate control in buildings. Also, I find it really hard as an American to overcome people’s prejudices about us and it’s been super tough finding a job. I have one, but it’s not one I love, and I’ve applied to a bunch of other positions and can’t find anyone else willing to take me on.
As much as we look the same and speak the same, Americans and Aussies are just different.
@gritandglamour
January 18, 2012
Oh, Dana, you hit the nail on the head! Americans and Aussies are so different! And I totally get the frustration with the anti-American sentiment. I found the job search equally as frustrating, especially since in the U.S., I get calls from headhunters regularly! I did feel that to some degree, finding a job was more difficult for me as an American.
The America bashing that happens in the news daily there is really annoying. That’s one of the many things that has been a selling point for my husband here: Americans love accents, and they love Aussies, even if it is a mostly unrequited cultural love. Our news media do not constantly insult Australia. Definitely makes it a little easier to cope.
You do have a point, however, about taking advantage of the free health care there if you choose to start a family. Maybe you can put together a plan with your fiancé to move back to the U.S. before your future kids are school age. Despite our flawed health care system, in many states it is a LOT easier and cheaper to live than it is in Oz, now that it’s one of the most expensive countries in the world.
Whatever you decide, I wish you much luck and I hope that your feelings of sadness and missing home will ease up. Try to tell yourself that you will be back soon enough, so you can try to enjoy your life there in the meantime. Oh, and when you decide to come back, get your fiancé’s visa paperwork going ASAP. It’s a long process, even when you are married. Took us about eight months, and we were already married for a year, with squeaky clean records.
Luck and light to you! Feel free to pop back in here and let me know how you are!
Thanks for such a quick and lengthy response! And thanks for the tip about the visa paperwork. I’m about to go through my second round for “de facto spouse” paperwork and it was a pain the first go so can only imagine what it is like coming to the U.S. The kindness of your response really made my evening so thanks again.
@gritandglamour
January 19, 2012
Wow, just stumbled upon this looking up homesick advice, and this above anything else has helped the most, just to know that someone has felt exactly as I do now. I moved to Australia from Austin, Texas in October and I feel my heart breaking all the time. I miss austin, my family, friends, job, everything so much. I think I cry or feel like crying just about everyday. Just going grocery shopping makes me want to cry for some reason. I haven’t made a single friend. My family doesn’t understand why I’m not enjoying paradise, people who have come here studied abroad, but living here is completely different from that. I feel like I do nothing but complain. I didn’t want to move in the first place. Austin had become my home even though I had only been there a year, I fell in love with it and my job there, I was so happy. I moved here so that me and my boyfriend could stay together, for his job we’ll have to stay here a few years. I thought I would adjust because I studied abroad in the past and have always loved traveling. But i haven’t. My boyfriend has been so wonderful to me, he has seen me at my worst and tries to comfort me the best he can, he has also payed for a lot of things because I haven’t been able to get a job. But he isn’t homesick and doesn’t really relate to how I feel.
I’ve gotten to the point where I sit around hating everything and everyone here, I resent this place and just want to go home so bad. I miss everything. The only reason I’m here is because I love my boyfriend so much, but it’s been really hard. My close friend will be getting married and has told me that because I’m living here she’s not going to ask me to be a bridesmaid, she doesn’t mean it in a mean way or as punishment, but because it’s so far away it’s just too complicated to organize that part along with everything else. I could go on and on, but I just wanted to say thank you for posting something that lets me know I’m not alone with how I’ve been feeling. It helps.
@gritandglamour
February 2, 2012
Oh, Claire, your comment has been in my thoughts since the notification hit my email inbox. Honey, I am so, so, so sorry you are feeling bad, and yet I completely understand your emotions. Again and again women comment here about how much more difficult it is for them to adjust to a new country than their partners. That’s OK! That’s typical! We’re women…we are more emotional than men, generally closer to our families than men, so consequently, more affected by the distance than men. And then knowing you’re missing things like weddings and birthdays (missed my dad’s 70th) is just more fuel for the fire.
Of COURSE you’re despondent and angry. You’ve just hit three months…my homesickness was RAGING at that point. You cry for anything, at the drop of a hat, even when you weren’t in a “bad” mood. And crying going to the grocery store? Oh yes I did. Between the astronomical prices for everything from meat to shellfish to shaving gel, it was the first time I ever had to ration my money for food and put things back on the shelf. The selections are not what we are accustomed to in the U.S. So even though it’s just shopping for groceries, it’s one more affront, one more “alien” thing, one more thing you are sacrificing to be there.
Your sadness, regret, anxiousness, and longing are normal and typical. Don’t feel bad about how you feel or the fact that your boyfriend seems to be doing OK. In time, this heaviness will lessen, and you will be able to function better than you are now. But I will say that you should give it some time and listen to your heart. Sometimes love and a beautiful environment are not enough compensation for the everyday life and events and conveniences you have sacrificed to be in Oz. Frankly, they weren’t enough for me, and thankfully, after I left Oz, my husband decided he’d rather try it in the States than just call it a day. As much as I hated the strain on our relationship, the reality is that you cannot hold anyone accountable for your happiness, so after some time, if it’s not right, you have to make the right decision for you. You have one life, honey. You MUST make the most of it!
That said, try to stick it out a bit longer because it does ease up. Try to connect with some American expats through an expat club or Meetup…it does help. Look at this as a learning experience, a temporary thing, because it likely is. As tortured as I was in Sydney, I learned so very much about myself from my experience living there, and was a much better partner to my husband when he left Australia to move to the U.S. The earliest days of being in a new country are the hardest. Eventually you do come to terms enough that you aren’t crying and angry all the time. But again, when you find that even keel, you will know if it’s right for you. For me, the ease, conveniences, and my marketability in the U.S. eventually won out. (I also had a hell of a time trying to get an interview there, and in the U.S., I have recruiters contacting me regularly.) So yes, I believe in love, but your boyfriend SHOULD pay for you for as long as necessary since you uprooted your entire life for him. And love is fabulous, but we are born into this world as individuals and we die the same way. If you aren’t happy, you aren’t happy. So don’t feel bad about making the right decision for YOU!
Please let me know how you are…I sincerely hope you are well and that there will be light and happiness in your very near future.
xo
@san_in_ca
February 3, 2012
I just recently found your blog and was thrilled to find out that you’re an expat yourself… I moved to the US from Germany (permanently) 6 years ago and I can relate so much to what you wrote about getting settled and being homesick. Uprooting one’s whole existence is a big undertaking and an adventure, at first, yes, but also requires a lot of determination and discipline if you want to succeed.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this journey!
@gritandglamour
February 10, 2012
Hi San…thanks for your comment. I agree…the one thing people don’t realize is HOW much determination and discipline it takes to succeed at life in a new place. It’s not just overcoming emotions. There’s a ton of paperwork involved too!
Hope the U.S. is treating you kindly!
Hey! I’ve found that it’s been the other way around for me. I went to Germany for 9 weeks on exchange and I felt a bit homesick whilst I was overseas, but that went away after a few weeks and by the end I was having such a ball that I didn’t want to go home at all. Now that I am at home, it’s pretty much that feeling of homesickness amplified 5 fold. I don’t understand it! I’m not even supposed to be “homesick”, because I’m actually at “home”. If you have any advice overcoming this strange, deluded form of “homesickness” please let me know, because it’s having an effect on my family and friends, who have no idea how to deal with me.
@gritandglamour
February 10, 2012
Steph~
Thanks for your comment. I can identify with your confusion about what seems like reverse homesickness. I actually felt a bit of it myself when I first came back to the U.S. from Australia. Although I was so happy to be home, I felt torn between the two places, like I was “missing” stuff going on in Sydney.
I suspect that because you knew you were on exchange, you knew it was temporary, which is a bit different than packing up all your worldly things and moving them somewhere else permanently. Your brain wraps itself around that concept much easier. As such, I’m sure you had a lot more fun because you were probably in school with people your age, with forced interactions, vs. isolation (especially if you are the spouse of someone who moved for a job, and you don’t yet have one.) When you can focus on school or a short engagement in another country with lots of activities already on the calendar—and no worries about mortgages and contracts and trying to make new friends in a new life—it’s bound to be much more pleasant.
In the past, I’ve felt melancholy after coming home from an extended vacation, which sounds like what you are experiencing more than homesickness. When you’re having fun, then it’s back to the same-old, same-old, it’s a little depressing. But I’m sure with time it will pass and you’ll be just fine. As you did overseas, you should throw yourself into work and/or school here so you stay busy and your mind focuses on what your situation is here instead of what you miss about Germany. Good luck!
HI im studying in a boaring school. its march already but i still got HOMESICK:(
My partner moved over here to the UK from VA in 2006. He is from a very close family and we go back once every couple of years. We’re supposed to be going back over to visit in the Summer, but the usual thing has happened. He begins to not want to go because he’s dreading what happens at the airport when we come ‘home’.
His parents are much in the same boat, it seems like everyone is stuck in the grieving stage of mourning or something. I wish I could help them all move on and get over it, but his parents just won’t move on, he won’t move on. I just don’t know what to do.
Just found your blog today during a frantic online search for how to get over homesickness!! i moved to Sydney from Ireland 6 months ago and I only started feeling homesick today because my boyfriend cant come over for another two months (from Ireland) my best friend had to move to a different part of Oz for work and I had to move into a house with people I dont know. On top of that my mom just informed me my godmother is very ill
I have a fantastic dream job here and the place is so wonderful I know but I feel like just running as fast as I can to the airport and zooming home. I have never felt like this before!! I know it is temporary but gosh what a nightmare these feelings are! great big blogs of tears are rolling down my cheeks, really hope it gets better, I stop being silly and I can get on with my great life here.
I happened to stumble upon this website, I have a million things running through my mind. My husband and I got married and I relocated from southern california to be with him up in northern cali (his family is from there). We made a life for ourselves lived there for about 3 years had a daughter then he lost his job. I never liked living up there to begin with and it took me over a year to adjust I said let’s take the plunge and move to southern cali where my family is. We’ve been here over a year and strangely I am missing living up north it’s harder I think because due to my husband losing his job we moved to a place with my parents. When my husband lost his job his family in Virginia offered to have us move over there, they had a great job with the family business available for him, a house everything. Because california is so expensive the offer seems more and more tempting. But I’m afraid of taking that step because it is so far away from my family (opposite side of the country) and I did resent my husband for moving up north (he refused to move down south) when we were first married. The economy is rough, we have baby number 2 on the way, miss having our own place and life isn’t affordable in california right now and there seems to be such a great opportunity in virginia but I’m afraid if we do move I’ll just be absolutely miserable.
Hi all, it is great to hear that we all seem to feel the same. Homesickness is horrible. Ive been living in Melbourne for almost 15 years and I still miss home, being Adelaide. It’s not far but I just can’t be with my family when I really need them. I feel so much homesickness that it’s turned into depression. I feel helpless in my situation because , now I have family here and family there. I feel I have complicated my life, my husbands life and my children’s life. If our heart calls us home, then we should follow otherwise what’s the point?? Now I’m too scared to stay and too scared to go? So confused! Just brings me to think about the true meaning of life? What is it all for? What is it all about? Family? My family or his?
@gritandglamour
May 7, 2012
Jules, so sorry to read how tormented you are at the moment…I can definitely understand this “neither here nor there” feeling. Following your heart isn’t always the easiest thing when you have roots in two places. Maybe you should consider talking to someone who can help you better understand this onslaught of emotion after 15 years, and how to deal with it one way or the other. You should also definitely talk to your husband and see what the possibilities are. Perhaps you can come to an agreement for a move. Or maybe you can come to an agreement that when your children are on holiday, you can take an extended vacation home with them.
I do hope you find peace and a solution. Depression related to homesickness can really destroy you and your relationships. So I urge you to connect with an expat group (even though you aren’t one, the feelings of loss and longing are still the same), or a specialist that can help you dissect and move past this phase in your life.
Good luck, my dear. Sending you positive energy.