Getting Over Homesickness
Once you get your basic necessities arranged and the excitement of your new country wears off a bit, you could find yourself moving through the stages of homesickness. I know I did, and it’s an emotional roller coaster for you, the people you interact with in your new country, and your friends and family back “home.”
Homesickness and Grief
The brain on homesickness is much like the brain on grief—the stages and emotions are remarkably similar, and that makes sense. You are, after all, mourning the death of your former existence to a large degree.
According to the article Feeling homesick? (at canadianimmigrant.ca):
Confronted by feelings of loss, many immigrants experience a profound sense of grief. Grief is a natural emotional reaction to loss. Theorists suggest that it is characterized by five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, otherwise known as the grief cycle.
I can attest to the similarity of homesickness and grief, because I absolutely went through all the stages (if you go through my posts in the Expat Adventures and Australia categories, you will read all the telltale signs—I have deliberately not removed some of my more scathing posts as a testament to this). At times I was at absolute war with my new surroundings. I mean I resisted everything. Other times, I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, I was so depressed—and I’m a pretty strong, resilient woman—so my inability to cope initially surprised even me.
Eventually I stopped beating myself up about how I was handling life as an expat, and accepted that I was indeed moving through the stages of homesickness. I resigned myself to dealing with things one day at a time…some days I was totally fine, others weepy here and there. But the days between those emotions eventually grew as I adjusted. I came to genuinely enjoy many things about Sydney (in spite of my frustration), and the truth is, now, it is forever a part of my heart.
UPDATE | July 2012: New resources have been added below. And if you’re feeling homesick now, be sure you read through the comments and my responses in the comments section…you are not alone! The answers you are hoping for are probably already there. 
Homesickness Resources
Half of the homesickness battle is education and distraction, the other half is time, plain and simple. You will adjust, but it might take six months to a year or longer. The process is very individual and you may or may not experience severe homesickness depending on what happened in your life before you moved overseas. In the interim, here are links to help you better understand and cope with homesickness:
- 10 Tips for Managing Homesickness (another post here on G&G)
- Homesickness Symptoms
- 12 Weeks After Arrival: Homesickness – Tips for Coping with Homesickness
- Singing the Homesick Blues
- Why Expats Fail to Make a Go of a New Life Abroad
- Homesickness isn’t really about ‘home’
Next: Getting Connected
{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for your candid discussion of expat homesickness. I moved from San Francisco to London three months ago, and there are days the pain of being 5,000 miles from home can be so acute I feel like there’s a hole in my chest. I’ve been beating myself up for being “weak,” so it helps to read of others’ experiences and know that what I’m feeling is normal! Much appreciated!
@gritandglamour
March 16, 2011
Holly~
Thank you for your comment. I know exactly how you feel, which is why I put these posts together. If just one person—like you—reads and realizes they are not alone in these feelings, that they are totally normal, then I have achieved something!
The one-month and three-month milestones were very difficult for me, and I know all too well the acuteness of that hole in the chest. Expat blogs can be a wonderful source of support and camaraderie; I hope you have found other America-to-London blogs because those mirrored experiences really help to validate your feelings and know that your are totally within the realm.
Thanks again for your comment. If you ever want to chat, find me on Twitter @gritandglamour.
Hang in there! It does get better. And spring is around the corner, thank goodness.
Thanks for talking about your homesickness experience. I am 18 and I am spenidng a year in Australia. I’ve only been here fro 3 days and it’s much harder being away from my family than I thought it would be. I’m from Houston and I honestly feel like I left my heart there and it just hurts. I’m glad to know that homesickness is just a part of being away from home so thank you!
@gritandglamour
August 6, 2011
Oh, Layne, honey, I know what you are feeling! Thank you for commenting.
Those of us from the American south know an unbridled, exceptional amount of freedom, and aside from missing our loved ones, the rules and general rigidity of Australia can seem quite oppressive. Do your best to not beat yourself up…you are experiencing life upside down and inside out! It wasn’t until my Aussie hubby came here and experienced our freedoms, our exceptionally high quality of life for a low cost of living that he understood why I found it so difficult to adjust in Sydney. Know that unless someone has done exactly what you are doing, they can never really understand what it is like, and unfortunately, you may find that people you thought were your friends will suddenly have a massive loss of patience and understanding.
What I can tell you is that even though living in Australia was extremely challenging for me, it was an amazing experience that made me a stronger, more resilient person. I have always been terrified of being alone, and although I was not alone in Oz, I realized after all of it (because emotionally, you are totally alone initially) that I was stronger than I realized and I COULD be alone. This may sound crazy right now, but down the track, you will understand.
So here is my advice:
1. Stay busy. Volunteer or connect with American expats through Meetup or an Internet search for groups there.
2. Enjoy the beauty of Australia. It really is just absolutely gorgeous.
3. Try to remember this is temporary…so make the most of it.
4. Enjoy these things: cheap, excellent wine (THE BEST); Bundaberg Rum; Tim Tams; excellent Indian and Thai food; “No worries, arvo, Maccas” — all those crazy and fun Aussie sayings; stunning beaches.
5. Skype and Webcam as often as you need with your American family and friends and don’t feel bad about it!
6. The Aussies are GORGE! Find someone who takes your fancy and it’s all more bearable!
Email me if you ever need support. Seriously.
Best of luck to you!
xo
I really enjoyed reading your blog and advice for homesickness. Im in a different kind of position. I actually was born in Sydney and grew up here until I was just 18. My dad got a position in Dallas, Tx so the whole family moved over there. I hated Texas at first and felt strongly as an Aussie that missed home. Over the years I fell in love with Texas, went to college and experienced it all in my young age. Unfortunately I got into trouble a few years ago and was deported back to Australia two months ago. Im not allowed to return to the United States again. My parents and two brothers are still over there but are in different states. Luckily my little brother has just come back to Australia to live. Its weird as although Im Australian and Im at home I felt like Texas was my real home now and I wanted my life to be there. I find it hard in some ways to let go of the great things I had over in Texas and the great people I knew. The hardest thing to except is I cant ever go back over there. I will take your advice and live day by day, I know I will get better but its just hard not to let my mind race about “what could of been” in the great state of Texas
@gritandglamour
August 15, 2011
Mike~
Thanks for your comment, and for sharing your situation. I feel for you, I truly do. One thing that has always terrified me is the idea that the U.S. and Australian governments ultimately hold the future of my relationship with my husband in their hands. While my husband now has a green card here in the U.S., as your experience illustrates, that is no real guarantee of the ability to stay in the country permanently.I do remind him often, and he is aware that he cannot make rash decisions that could potentially jeopardize his immigration status.
At least your brother is there. Keep yourself busy, try to make this radical change in your life a catalyst for positive change. That’s all you can do…you have to move forward and know that although the separation is devastating, it will not kill you. Hopefully your family will be able to come visit you in the future.
Good luck, sending positive energy your way.
Forgot to add I lived in Texas for over ten years and had to leave a very serious relationship there
I really enjoyed this blog too! I am glad to know I am not the only one going through this.
I just moved from NC to the Carribean to study med. school and it’s hitting me really hard. I miss my home, my family and friends and I just can’t stop thinking about being back there. I have to be here for another year and a half with three week breaks every four months or so. Right now, I am just waiting for classes to start so that I can get busy and stop thinking about being back home but it’s so hard being away! I want to enjoy the island but I can’t stop thinking about going back home, which surprised me because I have always wanted to travel and explore the world. Sigh.
@gritandglamour
September 2, 2011
Madhura~
I can seriously identify with being surprised by homesickness when you have jetsetter dreams. Traveling for exploration is VERY different than moving somewhere, as you now know. Everyone on earth I’ve ever spoken to has said, “why would you leave Sydney?” Or if they’ve been on vacay there, “I’d love to live there!” What they don’t realize (especially some Americans who are used to a different modern life with more freedom and convenience) is that when you are on holiday, you don’t experience the logistics of everyday life. You look at most places through rose-colored glasses, and with cash in your pocket for holiday indulgences. It’s not until you live somewhere that you find out that most buildings aren’t fully ducted for climate control, that phone contracts are two years and you’re liable for the full amount, that you pay for Internet by the gig, or that all the stores shut at like 6pm. Those are the things that DRIVE YOU CRAZY…
Anyway, as I’ve said to some above, you must keep yourself busy. Try to find an expat group to hook up with. Remind yourself that it’s temporary, and thank God, flying home to NC isn’t that far (unlike to Oz…my God, the flights). Skype with your friends and family (video calls are enormously helpful). Above all, do not lie in bed depressed all day. I’ve found that even forcing myself out for a walk did wonders because nature and people distracted me. I always came back feeling better than I had left. Your classes will start before you know it and that is excellent for occupying your mind and making friends. You will make peace with your temporary home, i promise. It takes months, but eventually, you will.
Thanks for your comment…you’ll be OK. And when all else fails, start a blog! It got me through so many days in Oz when I had no one to cry to or hang out with. Writing about your experience helps others, and is very cathartic.
Thanks so much for this blog post! I’m studying abroad in Spain for just one semester, but I’m struggling with homesickness a lot! I was feeling very alone in my unfortunate state of homesickness, but this blog makes me realize that women all over the world are facing the same thing and are getting through it =)
Hopefully I will be another one to get through it!
@gritandglamour
September 2, 2011
Hang in there, Rachel! I know it’s tough. It can feel sooooo black some days. Try to stay as busy as possible. And keep reminding yourself that it’s temporary! Please read through the comment above as well…my tips there apply to you too!
I’m an Aussie girl living in China for a year, and it’s so hard to imagine anyone feeling homesick in Australia! I loved this post and it’s how I found your whole site, and I just want to say how awesome it all is.
Bri Lee’s latest post: wondrous cooking night number two
@gritandglamour
November 8, 2011
A little late responding, but thanks for your comment! Homesickness really has nothing to do with where you are as much as where you call “home,” no matter what country or city that may be. The roots we put down, the familiarity…doesn’t matter where you are or how great it might be, you still end up missing the feeling and ease of home.
An Aussie will always think Australia is the best, an American, the USA, a Parisian, France. It’s all relative!
It’s weird, because it’s taken me over a year of living abroad to start feeling homesick, but now it’s hit with a vengeance. Of course, over the past year I have had some days of missing home, but never like this. Now I’m often weepy and feeling a bit distant from others around me, including my husband. I’m a Californian living just outside Newcastle-Upon-Tyne. I’ve lived here, like I said, for just over a year and am actually transferring down to London in a week for work. I thought I would be so excited about it, I had really wanted to live in London, but I’m not. Perhaps my longing for home has been accentuated by the going away parties my husband is having thrown for him, showing that he was able to make lots of good friends, while I personally don’t feel I’ve really gotten close to anyone.
Like all the other commenters, I’m trying to live day by day and remind myself why I moved here. I also try to tell myself that these emotions are temporary and I need to stick with it and work my way through them. If months down the road, I can’t and I’m still feeling this upset, I can always return home. My husband and I having our careers here would make that difficult, but not much more difficult than when we moved here in the first place.
In the meantime, I am embracing the little things. I just looked out my window at another gray and drizzly day (which actually doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would) and saw two magpies in a tree. One of my favorite things about Newcastle is the number of magpies. I love to watch them fly about. According to the rhythm, two magpies together means ‘joy’ right? For now, I’ll hold on to that.
@gritandglamour
November 8, 2011
Alicia, thank you for your comment. I hope that in writing it, it gave you some release, and in reading the comments, maybe some peace too?
My heart always breaks when I see a comment from someone who is in the blackness and longing of homesickness. I’ve written it before, and I will write it again: no one who hasn’t experienced major homesickness can ever comprehend it or understand how low it can make you feel, and how unpredictable it is. They’ll just never get it, and that alienates you even more, which is the worst for combating homesickness.
I am surprised that your homesickness set in so late; not sure if you have moved around a lot in your life, and if that’s the case. At any rate, in my novice opinion, it’s probably because the novelty and excitement has worn off. And that’s totally OK, just as it’s OK that your husband seemed to have had an easier time making friends. We’re all different, and as women, we are more emotional and I think friendships are MUCH harder to establish and maintain. When I was in Australia, I really didn’t make a single friend. I had some acquaintances, but no real friends, which as you know, doesn’t help because it isolates you further. Don’t worry about that, and do not be ashamed of your feelings. Sometimes you have to cry or have a pity party or rage in your room to get it out.
I loved what you wrote about the magpies…so beautiful, and such a great attitude to have. I don’t know you, but I sense that you are bright and intelligent and resourceful. You are strong and only you can decide if after your move to London, if England really fits. You moved there, you can move back. I did. I gave up everything and tried Oz and it just didn’t work, and seriously, there were constant roadblocks. So I pulled the pin and went back to the U.S. I got another car and another job and settled back in, and you know what? I got a better car than I had before, and a higher paying job, and things have been falling into place since I returned in January 2010. I truly believe that when you are on your right life’s path, the Universe opens the doors for you.
So wait and see. Maybe this move will be the perfect thing for you both. Maybe you’ll make those friends and finally settle in. Maybe you won’t. Just know that life is too short to live it in pain and unhappiness. If it doesn’t work and you know you can’t really be happy there, talk to your husband and put a plan together. It will all work out for the best, I just know it.
My best to you, and drop me a line at gritandglamour@gmail.com with an update if you are so inclined. Would love to hear how things are going.
~V
Hi,
I just stumbled upon this blog post and want to thank you for such helpful post! I and my hubby are from India and we migrated to Oz one year back, almost immediately after getting married. We both have stayed in USA for couple of years when we both were single and not dating – I was there for work purporses and he for his higher studies. We both love USA lifestyle and freedom that you have commented about. But as getting US citizenship is so very difficult, my hubby had applied for Oz PR that brought us both in Sydney. Initial months/ first year went quickly since we had to get jobs, get ourselves settled etc. My job allows me to work from home so I could move with my hubby when he secured a job in small coastal town in NSW. The homesickness is quite recent feeling for me and making me depressed, sad, weepy. I am at home alone all the time working from my home office except for weekends. My company offices are located only in big cities so going to office is not an option, i was going to regular office while we were in sydney. Although I know few local people now, haven’t got any ‘friends’ to share things with or even hang out over cup of coffee/ brunch etc. I had plenty of friends in my home country, am in touch with them through emails etc but people tend to get busy in their lives…and we have started kind of loosing touch. I regularly talk to my parents, sister using skype, phone calls but feel lonely on day to day basis…
Thanks once again.
Cheers,
Swapna
*Rhyme, I meant, not “rhythm”
My husband and I moved from Cali to Virginia two weeks ago and it’s been incredibly difficult for me. I’ll admit that unlike my sisters I’m absolutely not a traveler. So this is hitting me extremely hard. Some days my heart aches so much it’s like a physical pain. My security is gone and all my family resides in Cali where as he at least has a brother out here. I recently got a job out here and I start in a week or so and while I know I should feel excited I’m not. In my mind it throws a wrench in my plans for going home. It scares me to pieces that we might be out here for longer than a month and most likely for years. But in my mind or rather my heart I was making plans to go home sooner rather than later and whatever logic I had goes out the window. My husband is being supportive but it’s difficult for him to see me so miserable especially after he sees me in tears after talking to my mom.
I can understand where you said you were resistant to everything. That’s the way I feel right now like I’m purposely sabotaging any sort of happiness I may out here and determined to hate everything as if to say “See honey I told you we wouldn’t like it. Lets go home” Which is unfair to my husband. So for right now I’m doing my best to take it just one day at a time and not freak out which isn’t easy. I hope this gets better. I hate this.
@gritandglamour
November 10, 2011
Hi Sara, I can definitely understand how you feel at the moment. I felt exactly the same when I moved away from my home city for the first time at age 37. And talk about tough! I wasn’t even in the same country! It IS a physical pain, a whole-body absorption that keeps you from being able to be in the moment, or feel joy or hope. Completely and totally normal, and unfortunately, kind of par for the course. As I’ve mentioned in comments above, it is this feeling of blackness that just grips you and makes you cry unexpectedly and feel so low. Do not think you are being dramatic. You are not. Your feelings are legitimate and it would be abnormal if you didn’t miss home a lot.
Now, how to handle those feelings? Yes, you do begin to feel terrified at the prospect of not going back home, and it causes you to only see the flaws in everything, even to sabotage yourself in order to force the outcome you prefer. That is totally normal too. Making those plans in your head? Yup, that’s a realistic response. I have a girlfriend who moved from home to Florida and it took her 6 years to settle in. But do know that everyday of those six years wasn’t awful. Even my husband had major homesickness when he came to the US to be with me, and he still has the occasional blue day after a year under his belt, but I know he is adjusting because now those bouts of melancholy and anger are coming less often. The beginning is tough, but it really does get better, or at least you acclimate to a point where you are not despondent, even if you don’t like your environment.
So. Stay as busy as you can. Tell yourself this isn’t forever, because, in reality it isn’t. You will visit your family. You will go home again. Over time, if things still aren’t good, you are in control of your happiness and you have to make the right decision for you. I know you’re not excited about your new job and that’s OK. The fact that you already have a job lined up is fantastic, because having somewhere to go and meet people is the best thing for you. You’ll see that after you start working, things will get better. I couldn’t work for months in Oz and it practically killed me. Within 4 months of coming to the US, my husband was in school, and now even has an internship, which has been incredible for helping him adjust. He no longer talks about wanting to go home, only that he misses his family. So, again, just go to your new job, allow yourself to feel what you feel without comparisons or guilt, and it will all work out. Read blogs, make comments, write, cry, run, workout…whatever it takes for now. You will get through it.
Let me know how you are doing when you get the chance. Would love to know.
Keep your chin up!
V
I’m originally from England and me and my family moved to Saskatchewan Canada in 2007. I still feel what I think is homesickness but it’s hard to tell after this long. I’m at the point where I’m so angry I refuse to stand for the anthem, have a general hatred for all things Canadian and just can’t wait to get the heck out of here. I feel sort of as though the longer I’m here the less of the life I was supposed to have is left to live. I have re-occurring dreams where I walk past my old house only to collapse on the floor paralyzed. I thought that maybe if I went back to England for a while I would disillusion myself and get over it, but when I came back to Canada I also returned to square one. Does this SOUND like homesickness? It seems ridiculous that it should last five years. Thanks.
@gritandglamour
January 9, 2012
Hi Penny~
So sorry to hear that you are feeling at odds with Canada, even after several years there. But know that it is totally normal! Sometimes visiting the place and people we miss so much does the opposite of soothing us once back in our new “home”…we go through a mini homesickness all over again! It has happened to me. And to my husband when he went back to Australia for five weeks after his first eight months in the U.S. He was so out of sorts for the first month or so after he got back to the U.S. Your anger is very indicative of a phase of homesickness. Anger and fighting against all the norms of your new country, being short-tempered or despondent…all typical side effects of homesickness. Give yourself some time to adjust again. It won’t be so bad after a few weeks have passed.
I have a girlfriend who moved from one state to another in the U.S. and suffered from homesickness for the first FIVE YEARS that she was there! And she was still in her own country! Eventually she adjusted, and most do. But you know what? If Canada is not where you want to be, then start putting together a plan to go back to England or wherever it is you prefer to be. Life is too short to live it unfulfilled. So if you want to go back, you should.
If you aren’t able to go back to England, or not for a long while, then I suggest that you join an expat club. Even five years in, sharing stories (and common complaints) will make you feel less alone, and you may make some new friends who are more sympathetic of your plight than Canadians or people who’ve never dealt with homesickness.
Wishing you the best and feel free to check in and let me know how you are doing! Thanks for your comment.
and i though i was the only one feeling homesick even though i am in my own country. I am from malaysia, btw. just started uni in september and living in a dorm in another state is sooo hard, although this nov is the 3rd month already. I guess it takes a while for me, as I am very attached to my fanmily. I start crying whenever I hear my mum’s voice on the phone, and it breaks her heart to hear me crying through the phone. I tried keeping myself busy, but somehow cant help but feel lonely some times. thanks for this post though, makes me feel all of us are in this together!
I am from Ireland and moved to the United Arab Emirates in August. I was quite settled until I went home for Christmas and returned back to the UAE a couple of days ago. I have left a boyfriend behind, and I miss him and my family so much. I have felt sad, lonely and quite upset; much like after my 5 year relationship break up! At the moment however, I am in bed and have not yet felt the urge to wail, so, I’m hoping this means I am starting to emerge from my doom and gloom. Nice to read about others who have felt the same way and no that I’m not alone!
XX
@gritandglamour
January 9, 2012
Hi Sarah…I do hope that you’re coming out of the fog. Sometimes going home makes leaving difficult again, even if it refreshes the psyche and quells the missing for a bit. You’re definitely NOT alone!
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m from California, have lived in NSW for about 7 years now, and am engaged to an Aussie. The longer I live here, the harder I feel it is getting. My fiance promises me that one day we will move to CA (like your husband, he loves the States and can see why I miss it) but for now we know that due to the economy back home and the lack of free health care, we should stay here a few more years and have our kids here for free. While my head knows that this made sense, I feel like I left my heart (what’s not with my fiance!) in San Francisco…
Hearing you about the oppressive rules here, lack of climate control in buildings. Also, I find it really hard as an American to overcome people’s prejudices about us and it’s been super tough finding a job. I have one, but it’s not one I love, and I’ve applied to a bunch of other positions and can’t find anyone else willing to take me on.
As much as we look the same and speak the same, Americans and Aussies are just different.
@gritandglamour
January 18, 2012
Oh, Dana, you hit the nail on the head! Americans and Aussies are so different! And I totally get the frustration with the anti-American sentiment. I found the job search equally as frustrating, especially since in the U.S., I get calls from headhunters regularly! I did feel that to some degree, finding a job was more difficult for me as an American.
The America bashing that happens in the news daily there is really annoying. That’s one of the many things that has been a selling point for my husband here: Americans love accents, and they love Aussies, even if it is a mostly unrequited cultural love. Our news media do not constantly insult Australia. Definitely makes it a little easier to cope.
You do have a point, however, about taking advantage of the free health care there if you choose to start a family. Maybe you can put together a plan with your fiancé to move back to the U.S. before your future kids are school age. Despite our flawed health care system, in many states it is a LOT easier and cheaper to live than it is in Oz, now that it’s one of the most expensive countries in the world.
Whatever you decide, I wish you much luck and I hope that your feelings of sadness and missing home will ease up. Try to tell yourself that you will be back soon enough, so you can try to enjoy your life there in the meantime. Oh, and when you decide to come back, get your fiancé’s visa paperwork going ASAP. It’s a long process, even when you are married. Took us about eight months, and we were already married for a year, with squeaky clean records.
Luck and light to you! Feel free to pop back in here and let me know how you are!
Thanks for such a quick and lengthy response! And thanks for the tip about the visa paperwork. I’m about to go through my second round for “de facto spouse” paperwork and it was a pain the first go so can only imagine what it is like coming to the U.S. The kindness of your response really made my evening so thanks again.
@gritandglamour
January 19, 2012
Wow, just stumbled upon this looking up homesick advice, and this above anything else has helped the most, just to know that someone has felt exactly as I do now. I moved to Australia from Austin, Texas in October and I feel my heart breaking all the time. I miss austin, my family, friends, job, everything so much. I think I cry or feel like crying just about everyday. Just going grocery shopping makes me want to cry for some reason. I haven’t made a single friend. My family doesn’t understand why I’m not enjoying paradise, people who have come here studied abroad, but living here is completely different from that. I feel like I do nothing but complain. I didn’t want to move in the first place. Austin had become my home even though I had only been there a year, I fell in love with it and my job there, I was so happy. I moved here so that me and my boyfriend could stay together, for his job we’ll have to stay here a few years. I thought I would adjust because I studied abroad in the past and have always loved traveling. But i haven’t. My boyfriend has been so wonderful to me, he has seen me at my worst and tries to comfort me the best he can, he has also payed for a lot of things because I haven’t been able to get a job. But he isn’t homesick and doesn’t really relate to how I feel.
I’ve gotten to the point where I sit around hating everything and everyone here, I resent this place and just want to go home so bad. I miss everything. The only reason I’m here is because I love my boyfriend so much, but it’s been really hard. My close friend will be getting married and has told me that because I’m living here she’s not going to ask me to be a bridesmaid, she doesn’t mean it in a mean way or as punishment, but because it’s so far away it’s just too complicated to organize that part along with everything else. I could go on and on, but I just wanted to say thank you for posting something that lets me know I’m not alone with how I’ve been feeling. It helps.
@gritandglamour
February 2, 2012
Oh, Claire, your comment has been in my thoughts since the notification hit my email inbox. Honey, I am so, so, so sorry you are feeling bad, and yet I completely understand your emotions. Again and again women comment here about how much more difficult it is for them to adjust to a new country than their partners. That’s OK! That’s typical! We’re women…we are more emotional than men, generally closer to our families than men, so consequently, more affected by the distance than men. And then knowing you’re missing things like weddings and birthdays (missed my dad’s 70th) is just more fuel for the fire.
Of COURSE you’re despondent and angry. You’ve just hit three months…my homesickness was RAGING at that point. You cry for anything, at the drop of a hat, even when you weren’t in a “bad” mood. And crying going to the grocery store? Oh yes I did. Between the astronomical prices for everything from meat to shellfish to shaving gel, it was the first time I ever had to ration my money for food and put things back on the shelf. The selections are not what we are accustomed to in the U.S. So even though it’s just shopping for groceries, it’s one more affront, one more “alien” thing, one more thing you are sacrificing to be there.
Your sadness, regret, anxiousness, and longing are normal and typical. Don’t feel bad about how you feel or the fact that your boyfriend seems to be doing OK. In time, this heaviness will lessen, and you will be able to function better than you are now. But I will say that you should give it some time and listen to your heart. Sometimes love and a beautiful environment are not enough compensation for the everyday life and events and conveniences you have sacrificed to be in Oz. Frankly, they weren’t enough for me, and thankfully, after I left Oz, my husband decided he’d rather try it in the States than just call it a day. As much as I hated the strain on our relationship, the reality is that you cannot hold anyone accountable for your happiness, so after some time, if it’s not right, you have to make the right decision for you. You have one life, honey. You MUST make the most of it!
That said, try to stick it out a bit longer because it does ease up. Try to connect with some American expats through an expat club or Meetup…it does help. Look at this as a learning experience, a temporary thing, because it likely is. As tortured as I was in Sydney, I learned so very much about myself from my experience living there, and was a much better partner to my husband when he left Australia to move to the U.S. The earliest days of being in a new country are the hardest. Eventually you do come to terms enough that you aren’t crying and angry all the time. But again, when you find that even keel, you will know if it’s right for you. For me, the ease, conveniences, and my marketability in the U.S. eventually won out. (I also had a hell of a time trying to get an interview there, and in the U.S., I have recruiters contacting me regularly.) So yes, I believe in love, but your boyfriend SHOULD pay for you for as long as necessary since you uprooted your entire life for him. And love is fabulous, but we are born into this world as individuals and we die the same way. If you aren’t happy, you aren’t happy. So don’t feel bad about making the right decision for YOU!
Please let me know how you are…I sincerely hope you are well and that there will be light and happiness in your very near future.
xo
@san_in_ca
February 3, 2012
I just recently found your blog and was thrilled to find out that you’re an expat yourself… I moved to the US from Germany (permanently) 6 years ago and I can relate so much to what you wrote about getting settled and being homesick. Uprooting one’s whole existence is a big undertaking and an adventure, at first, yes, but also requires a lot of determination and discipline if you want to succeed.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this journey!
@gritandglamour
February 10, 2012
Hi San…thanks for your comment. I agree…the one thing people don’t realize is HOW much determination and discipline it takes to succeed at life in a new place. It’s not just overcoming emotions. There’s a ton of paperwork involved too!
Hope the U.S. is treating you kindly!
Hey! I’ve found that it’s been the other way around for me. I went to Germany for 9 weeks on exchange and I felt a bit homesick whilst I was overseas, but that went away after a few weeks and by the end I was having such a ball that I didn’t want to go home at all. Now that I am at home, it’s pretty much that feeling of homesickness amplified 5 fold. I don’t understand it! I’m not even supposed to be “homesick”, because I’m actually at “home”. If you have any advice overcoming this strange, deluded form of “homesickness” please let me know, because it’s having an effect on my family and friends, who have no idea how to deal with me.
@gritandglamour
February 10, 2012
Steph~
Thanks for your comment. I can identify with your confusion about what seems like reverse homesickness. I actually felt a bit of it myself when I first came back to the U.S. from Australia. Although I was so happy to be home, I felt torn between the two places, like I was “missing” stuff going on in Sydney.
I suspect that because you knew you were on exchange, you knew it was temporary, which is a bit different than packing up all your worldly things and moving them somewhere else permanently. Your brain wraps itself around that concept much easier. As such, I’m sure you had a lot more fun because you were probably in school with people your age, with forced interactions, vs. isolation (especially if you are the spouse of someone who moved for a job, and you don’t yet have one.) When you can focus on school or a short engagement in another country with lots of activities already on the calendar—and no worries about mortgages and contracts and trying to make new friends in a new life—it’s bound to be much more pleasant.
In the past, I’ve felt melancholy after coming home from an extended vacation, which sounds like what you are experiencing more than homesickness. When you’re having fun, then it’s back to the same-old, same-old, it’s a little depressing. But I’m sure with time it will pass and you’ll be just fine. As you did overseas, you should throw yourself into work and/or school here so you stay busy and your mind focuses on what your situation is here instead of what you miss about Germany. Good luck!
HI im studying in a boaring school. its march already but i still got HOMESICK:(
My partner moved over here to the UK from VA in 2006. He is from a very close family and we go back once every couple of years. We’re supposed to be going back over to visit in the Summer, but the usual thing has happened. He begins to not want to go because he’s dreading what happens at the airport when we come ‘home’.
His parents are much in the same boat, it seems like everyone is stuck in the grieving stage of mourning or something. I wish I could help them all move on and get over it, but his parents just won’t move on, he won’t move on. I just don’t know what to do.
Just found your blog today during a frantic online search for how to get over homesickness!! i moved to Sydney from Ireland 6 months ago and I only started feeling homesick today because my boyfriend cant come over for another two months (from Ireland) my best friend had to move to a different part of Oz for work and I had to move into a house with people I dont know. On top of that my mom just informed me my godmother is very ill
I have a fantastic dream job here and the place is so wonderful I know but I feel like just running as fast as I can to the airport and zooming home. I have never felt like this before!! I know it is temporary but gosh what a nightmare these feelings are! great big blogs of tears are rolling down my cheeks, really hope it gets better, I stop being silly and I can get on with my great life here.
I happened to stumble upon this website, I have a million things running through my mind. My husband and I got married and I relocated from southern california to be with him up in northern cali (his family is from there). We made a life for ourselves lived there for about 3 years had a daughter then he lost his job. I never liked living up there to begin with and it took me over a year to adjust I said let’s take the plunge and move to southern cali where my family is. We’ve been here over a year and strangely I am missing living up north it’s harder I think because due to my husband losing his job we moved to a place with my parents. When my husband lost his job his family in Virginia offered to have us move over there, they had a great job with the family business available for him, a house everything. Because california is so expensive the offer seems more and more tempting. But I’m afraid of taking that step because it is so far away from my family (opposite side of the country) and I did resent my husband for moving up north (he refused to move down south) when we were first married. The economy is rough, we have baby number 2 on the way, miss having our own place and life isn’t affordable in california right now and there seems to be such a great opportunity in virginia but I’m afraid if we do move I’ll just be absolutely miserable.
Hi all, it is great to hear that we all seem to feel the same. Homesickness is horrible. Ive been living in Melbourne for almost 15 years and I still miss home, being Adelaide. It’s not far but I just can’t be with my family when I really need them. I feel so much homesickness that it’s turned into depression. I feel helpless in my situation because , now I have family here and family there. I feel I have complicated my life, my husbands life and my children’s life. If our heart calls us home, then we should follow otherwise what’s the point?? Now I’m too scared to stay and too scared to go? So confused! Just brings me to think about the true meaning of life? What is it all for? What is it all about? Family? My family or his?
@gritandglamour
May 7, 2012
Jules, so sorry to read how tormented you are at the moment…I can definitely understand this “neither here nor there” feeling. Following your heart isn’t always the easiest thing when you have roots in two places. Maybe you should consider talking to someone who can help you better understand this onslaught of emotion after 15 years, and how to deal with it one way or the other. You should also definitely talk to your husband and see what the possibilities are. Perhaps you can come to an agreement for a move. Or maybe you can come to an agreement that when your children are on holiday, you can take an extended vacation home with them.
I do hope you find peace and a solution. Depression related to homesickness can really destroy you and your relationships. So I urge you to connect with an expat group (even though you aren’t one, the feelings of loss and longing are still the same), or a specialist that can help you dissect and move past this phase in your life.
Good luck, my dear. Sending you positive energy.
hi, I have recently moved from my country life in Scotland to a busy town life in England to be with my boyfriend it was the hardest thing ever moving and I had made arrangements to visit my family on a regular basis but with my new hectic life style and job I find it difficult to get the time off to go home. I have also made no new friends since moving as i am really shy as a person. I wish I could tell my boyfriend that i’m not coping but he will blame himself, which is the last thing I want, I love him more than anything in the world and I know for a fact I don’t want to leave him to go back home but it’s strange I feel so alone and torn. I don’t know what to do anymore because I hate this place.
@gritandglamour
May 22, 2012
Louise, thank you for your comment. I know EXACTLY how you feel! Your heart being in two places is a very difficult thing for people to understand. Hate and fighting your new city is a definite stage of early homesickness. It doesn’t make it easier on you now to tell you that it DOES get better over time, but it’s true. When my husband came to the States from Australia, the first year was very tumultuous. But another year under his belt and he is finally starting to adjust. What that means is the pangs for home and the anger and hating where you are become an occasional thing rather than a daily thing.
The one thing I think you have going for you, other than your man, of course, is that you are in a busy town in England, and England has a LOT of expats. My advice to you is that you find an expat group either via the blog world (expatblog.com), MeetUp, or just an Internet search. I know you said you’re shy, but it’s a lot easier to overcome that shyness when you meet up with a group of people who are also feeling what you feel, who know what you are going through. You already have something in common.
My husband was really have a difficult time until he got going in school and picked up an internship. Once he had somewhere to go, something to focus on, the emotions leveled out a lot. So try to re-focus your energy on connecting, working, volunteering or studying. And when you are feeling down, DO tell your boyfriend so he knows it’s not HIM, but that you are just feeling blue. Sometimes I could be just fine in Oz, then the next minute, I was crying, and for the people around me, it looked like it was for no apparent reason. When I told them sorry, just missing home, they understood and gave me space and support.
I do hope this melancholy will pass soon for you, my dear. Please do come back and tell me how you are.
Best~
V
Homesicknes is a horrible feeling. I have been in oz for 3days now and am here for 6months I keep feeling up and down! Sometimes I am hapy fine and then ten mins late
I have the sick feeling in my bely longing to go home! I’m so mad at myself as I want it to pas! And don’t no how long until it wil! I dnt no why I feel so down! I mean I wanted this so much. I was geting bored of my job and same rountine life. I am here with a friend and we can’t understand it! I realy wanted the time of my life! And have a good time! But if I could click my fingers I would go home! I’m just going to have to be storng and ride it. We start work tomoro hopefuly that should take my mind of it.
@gritandglamour
June 14, 2012
Sarah, I know the feeling! I, too, chose to go to Oz seeking “adventure,” and am actually in Sydney at the moment on a three-week holiday. As I mentioned in the comment below, I did feel some of the old frustration and dread bubbling up while I’ve been here. But reminding myself that I CAN’T get a gigantic coffee for under $4 like back home, and that I can’t get everything I want while I’m here actually helps. The sooner you accept that is is different, and try to find the stuff you DO like, the better you are.
Work should help. I bet once you get going, that six months will zip by!
Now that I’ve come back to Sydney after being away for two years, I’ve loved:
1. The gorgeous walk from Bronte Beach to Bondi Beach along the water.
2. Great Aussie style and shopping in the city.
3. Killer yogurt (Greek style, with berries or muesli) at the grocery store and all the fruit shops.
4. Amazing $6 kebabs at Indian Home Diner in Sutherland.
5. Enjoying walks by the water and mild winter days (hopefully the rain has stopped).
6. Having fantastic public transportation available to me, unlike back home.
Hopefully you will get the chance to discover some things you love before you go back home!
Hi my names Kristen and I’m 16 years old. I live in Texas and have never gone out of the state without my family. I guess you can say I’m attached to my parents. And in 2 days I leave to georgia for 2 weeks with my bestfriend. I’m already having anxiety and gettin nervous about leaving. I’ve never been so far away from home for so long by myself. I’m really scared I don’t know what tO do
@gritandglamour
June 14, 2012
Hi Kristen~
I’m actually responding to your comment while in Australia on a three-week holiday. I did feel some of the previous angst come up while I’ve been here, but as soon as I reminded myself that it’s temporary, and things are just different, I was in a much better place mentally.
I know you’re nervous, but it will be fine! It’s an adventure! And just two weeks. Try to look at as an opportunity to learn and prove to yourself (and your family) that you are totally capable of handling yourself on your own. Plus, you’ll be with your bestie! Just have fun! You’ll be home soon enough. Georgia is lovely. Have been there many times. Hopefully you’ll be by a pool cause it’s HOT!
Hi V
i have been looking through forums for a while and am sooo confused.
I was born in germany and moved to south africa when i was 10 with my mother, who then shortly after passed away. But my step father raised me as his own. I never really saw my german family and I always wanted to return to my real home.
Now, 26, after doing a couple of degrees at uni I finally came back to germany. got a good job, good pay, good extras, the possibilty to travel and some catching up with my german family.
However, after being here for 9 months now – I cant any longer. I hate it. I really do. My job is not what I expected ande getting up everyday is hell of tough. If i am able to get up that is.
Even though I am an outgoing and friendly person I have struggled to connect to people, but made a few good friends. I am constantly on the road, which is what I wanted but now really dispise it.
My cintract ends in 3,5 months, which I decided I will not renew. But right now I feel as if I wont be able to even finish the next month.
I have already started to look into jobs in SA, which I am sure I will find. I am just so confused whether to stay here longer and feel unhappy, sad and depressed. I did learn a lot about myself, but I really dont enjoy my day to day anymore and basically miss my old life.
Then there is the case of a long term girlfriend as well, who wanted a break whilst I was here. Now we most prob wont get back together so that might have added to some frustration as well/ To have no support system.
I just dont know if one should stay in a country where u are unhappy, dont enjoy the living conditions and dont ever want to settle.
maybe u have some useful advise for me?
Warm regards
@gritandglamour
July 2, 2012
Magnus, thank you for your comment. I am sorry to read that your move isn’t everything you hoped it would be. Sometimes that happens! It happened to me!
And yes, I have some advice for you: DO NOT stay anywhere that is soul-sucking, that does not make you happy! Life is too short! You know what? You tried it out, and that is more than most people ever do. So what if you don’t stay “forever.” Who says you have to? Changing your mind is your prerogative, and the only person that can ensure your happiness is YOU. Even if the relationship cannot be fixed, accept it as part of your lesson in this and move on. Go back to SA or wherever your heart takes you. At 26, you have the world at your feet, and with no kids or deep commitments, you have the blessings of freedom and choice. So do what makes you feel good. Although 3.5 months IS an eternity when you feel so homesick, stick it out knowing you are counting down the days until you are back where you want to be. If you have a support system in SA you can lean on, do it. The job will come because you will make it happen.
Trust your instincts and feelings. Follow your heart. I was recently back in Australia after I left two years ago, and for the first week, I re-lived so many of those feelings of frustration and angst. But it also made me realize that I made the right decision going back to the U.S. With the help of family, I got back on my feet (and did even better) when I did return, despite having sacrificed so much.
You can do it. Start hatching your plan. Tell your brain this is temporary. Do not feel one bit guilty about it not working out. The only way to have known is to try, and that you did.
Please keep me posted and best of luck to you!
Hi V
I moved out to spain on friday from scotland to be an au pair. I expected to have the summer of a lifetime but my children are horrible and I feel so homesick. I feel so low and sick and just want to go home. I cry all the time and cant stop it sometimes. I dont know if I should tell the parents how I feel and if i should go home or not as I am not enjoying it. Any advice would be great
@gritandglamour
July 5, 2012
Hi Sarah!
My lovely, I feel your pain across the ocean, I do. If you really feel like it’s not for you, then you should tell the parents immediately. But since the move is so fresh, maybe you should give yourself some time to explore Spain and get to know the children better. Perhaps they are acting out a bit since they don’t know you yet. Then if after a month, if nothing is better and the children are wretched, go home! There is no reason to stay if you have the option to go back!
Please let me know how things go, and I wish you much success and happier days.
thanks for your kind words. The advice did help a lot, it gave me some motivation that I wanted or needed. I am pretty positive so far – so lets see how the time goes.
I will report back in a couple of months – until then thanks os much
@gritandglamour
July 5, 2012
Super! Please do!
Hi V. I just recently got back from a visit to my home country Lebanon. I live in the united states cali, i have for my whole life so far. I went to Lebanon 2 years ago after not being there for 9 years, so i was quite nervous on what everyone was like. I became attached, both mentally and physically. I made my decision that when i grow up, i am moving back with my parents to live there. Unfortunatlly i am only 15 and a sophmore in highschool. this means i have to wait 3 years for this to happen, i came back 3 days ago from my 3 trip and now, everyday, i begin to cry almost every 20 minutes. It has gotten to the point where even if i am not tearing…i am still sobbing… i dont know what to do, i am super bored here and i do not know what to do. I have no friend that will be there for me, and my brothers are both as much a wreck as i am. My parents begin work tomarrow, so being with them is not going to work either. I have had enough of having to be here, i am killing myself from the inside knowing my life could be better living there. My dad wants to take us again next year…but that means i will have to go through school and all my stress…Please give me something…anyhting… because honestly…there is nothing to get me out of this state right now…and i feel horribly ill :’(
@gritandglamour
July 5, 2012
Hello M.E….
I’m sure longing to be somewhere else and not having control over that is very frustrating, and you are probably emotional since you are just back from a recent trip. The tears will subside as you get back to everyday life in CA. Instead of thinking about how long it will be until you are back in Lebanon, why not channel your energy into activities that foster your love of the country? Especially since you are out of school for the summer, don’t waste your precious downtime being sad…it will be school time again before you know it!
Why not start a blog about Lebanon and your memories there? Cultural discoveries? Art? The food? Or maybe while you’re at home you can learn to cook authentic meals from there…try a new recipe or so every few days? Or maybe you can research study abroad programs that will allow you to get there faster? Sometimes, even in high school, those programs exist, and even if they don’t, maybe you can start looking at college programs that will give you a great reason to move immediately upon graduation. If you can get a work permit, why not get a part-time job for the summer and start saving up for your next trip there?
There are lots of ways to use your time wisely, and work toward the goal you have of moving there. Once you are 18, the choice is yours…but you have to be able to support yourself or have help. So instead of being depressed that you’re not there, start hatching a plan for your future life there!
Good luck, my dear!
V thank you so much. I will start getting a job and all, also i have taken your advice in the college thing, ad i have a great oppurtunity at a college. And the job i want to do is a great pay. V, i cannot thank you enough! I now talk to my cousins everyday and have things that keep me going. Thank you so much. You really did pull me out of my depressed state, i want you to know that!
@gritandglamour
July 6, 2012
Oh, that’s so great! Thanks for letting me know!
Hey mate ., I’m Lebanese too I live in Abu dhabi ( shit whole )
I’m 25 years old ., u still young don’t mess up the school
And college Take it easy bro ., with all my respect to ur love for lebanon
, u don’t know a shit about living in Lebanon ., it s brutal bro
It might be one of the best places in the world but ONLY FOR VACATIONS
Now the next visit try to stay a bit longer than usual ., this might help
U to get involved into the everyday life Concerns . Wish u all the best and again
TAKE IT EASY U STILL YOUNG U HAVE PLENTY OF TIME ., it is a big decision ( especially moving from the states to Lebanon ., watch the news every now and then ) I don’t mean to be pessimistic . But what I I’ve mentioned is very important do u to know
And don’t let anyone tells u that it is a good or bad decision .. Do ur researches NO ONE KNOWS U BETTER THAN U DO ! Good luck .. I’m doing my best to leave the uae to Sweden or London whatever comes first .. Wish me luck I desperately need it
Hi,
Thank you for the blog , it’s really helpful! I have been planning to live in Madrid for a year starting in September to go to language school and I am a bit anxious about homesickness as I am from a very close-knit family in Ireland. I really want to go and have a wonderful experience of Spanish life but if I am already a bit worried about becoming homesick does that mean I should think twice about going?
Katherine
@gritandglamour
July 25, 2012
Hi Katherine, thanks for your comment. It’s normal to feel anxiety, even when you’re excited about a move! I wouldn’t opt out because you’re worried about homesickness…you could be missing the opportunity of a lifetime!
Instead, I’d arm myself with a plan in case you feel blue after you go. In fact, I just posted some tips for managing homesickness that may help you as you plan for your Spanish immersion. Check out 10 Tips for Managing Homesickness at http://www.gritandglamour.com/2012/07/24/10-tips-for-managing-homesickness/.
Good luck! Don’t be afraid. Consider yourself blessed to have the opportunity and be able to go back home after!
Keep me posted.
Hi,
Thank you so much for this blog, and I also appreciate all of the comments from you and from others. It is just so comforting to hear that other people, other women especially, have had and are having the same struggles with homesickness that I’m having… so few people have experienced this and even fewer are willing to talk about it, which has made me feel very alone in my feelings and as if there’s something wrong with me for having them.
I’ve been living in a Caribbean country for almost a year now. I moved down here for work. I guess I just greatly underestimated how long a year could be. There are so many challenges here that I’m just not used to, I’m from the U.S. and this country is much less developed, and so many issues arise that I just wasn’t even planning on having to deal with. Aside from that, it can feel so very lonely to be in a different culture. I have many friendly acquaintances, but I find it so difficult to make true friends because I just feel like I cannot relate to most people here on a deep level. Also, this is not a big expat country, so other foreigners are few and far between… I have found them here and there, and have enjoyed being with them, but the few that I have met and gotten along with have left as their projects in this country finished.
While going home or having visitors here is very nice, it almost makes it more difficult — to see what I’m missing, and it’s oh so hard to come back here after a visit home. Well, that said, my project will be finishing and I’m going home in 3 weeks. This has been one heck of a year for me, with so many ups and downs (probably more downs if I’m being honest)… I just find myself worrying that going home and being home won’t be the same, like I’ll forever be stuck with this disjointed/I don’t belong feeling… did you have that same fear at all when you returned to the U.S. from Australia?
Reading this blog has been very helpful for me — just showing me that I’m not a total weirdo for feeling the way I’m feeling — I find so many people just don’t get how I could feel so bad, but it’s nice to have these feelings normalized by knowing that I’m not the only one.
Thank you again.
Best,
J
@gritandglamour
August 8, 2012
Hi, J. Sorry for the delayed response. I usually try to respond as soon as I can to comments on this post, because people are really looking for help and a friend. You are so not alone in what you have felt being an expat!
I know taking a step down in terms of technology and efficiency is harder than taking a step up. I wanted to bang my head against the wall so many times in Sydney…it is a fairly modern country, but way behind the U.S. on many levels, and also twice the price of where I come from. It was culture shock and sticker shock, so I understand how hard it must have been for you in the Caribbean.
That said, I think by now you are home (yay!) and you have closed the book on your Caribbean adventure. I identify with many of the points you made in your comment, and yes, I did feel like I didn’t belong in either place for a while. Cause you know what? YOU are different as a result of this experience, so you kind of don’t see things the same way as you used to. And you may feel like you’re missing out on things there when you’re in the U.S. But after a month or two, you settle right back in and you feel happy and complete. Unless you’re leaving a lover behind, eventually you move on and acclimate, and then sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream!
Expat life, even when it sucks, is a great experience. It teaches you to rely on yourself, and to appreciate all the things and people back home you may have taken for granted.
I hope you are home and well. Let me know!
Thanks so much for your response! I actually have one week left here… counting down the days, as you can see! I really appreciate your response, though — and will be home in no time!
So happy I found this forum. I am 25 aussie and living with my Dutch boyfriend in holland. I originally came to holland for my sport but have since met my BF. I love him but I miss home like crazy! He is in the Dutch army and has a contract until 2017. We had a big discussion last night. He basically said that he couldnt see himself moving to Australia. I said that I couldnt see myself living in holland for the rest of my life. So now there is a stalemate…. I feel very lonely here because my Dutch is not great. I have a very close family that I miss. Help!!!
@gritandglamour
August 8, 2012
Hi Clare, I feel for you. That is a tough call. When I was in Australia, I felt the same way. Missed home, loved the guy, but ultimately knew Oz was not for me. Unfortunately, international relationships requires that someone make a sacrifice, or that both of you do.
25 is pretty young—around that age I met my first husband, and even though I thought it would last, ten years later we parted ways. What I am saying is that you have the world ahead of you, and at your age, I did the same thing: put my love of the guy before ME. Don’t do that. If you want to make it work because it is EVERYTHING, then do. But sometimes time apart is the only way to know that you can’t live without each other. If things aren’t AMAZING in Holland, then it’s not really worth the sacrifice you are making, is it?
Just about two days ago I moved to Germany from America. I am a foreign exchange student and will be here for 11 months. Currently I am dealing with the worst home sickness I have ever felt especially this is my first time out of the country and my first time away from my family for this long. I cant seem to enjoy anything out here and I am to be honest living in paradise. I met other teenagers my age today and asked them if they were homesick they are foreign exchange students just like me and came on the same exact day and they said no! I was shocked it made me feel like such a baby that I am crying so much.
I barely want to eat anything, I am not even thirsty and any little thing reminds me of home. My parents have given me the option that if this does not get better I can go home before my eleven months are up. I just feel horrible wasting such an opportunity because I want to go home but then again is it worth sacrificing my happiness? and if I do go home I dont want to regret it! help please and thank you?
@gritandglamour
August 11, 2012
Dyani~
I’m so sorry you feel so sad and miss home so much. Your feelings…the tears, the longing, the wanting to flee…they are completely natural! Others may not be missing home yet, because it’s early days, and I’ve found the 30-day and 3-month marks to be challenging. It doesn’t matter how anyone else feels, though. Your feelings are legitimate and completely normal.
I will tell you that things do get better. You acclimate, and in your situation, you will probably even make some lifelong friendships. Right now, if you need to cry, cry! When classes start, your mind will be re-focused and that is very good for homesickness.
I’m not sure if you read all of this post, or all the comments, but I encourage you to. My advice to you is the same as everyone else: only YOU can determine if you are too unhappy to go on. I think you will be fine after you get into school and start making friends. This is a MAJOR opportunity that so many would love to have. Try to think of it that way…a chapter in your life, a chance to become fluent in German and hop around Europe! There are so many countries in close proximity, and a year gives you a long time to try to explore as many as you can. I wish I had done what you are doing at your age, I really do. Try to keep your eye on the prize.
I don’t know if you ever saw The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or not. There’s a scene where Sandra Bullock’s character (played by a little girl) has the chance to take a joy ride in an open-air propeller plane. Her siblings/friends go and they have a ball. But she is TERRIFIED and doesn’t want to. She refuses. Then, later, she feels left out and her mom arranges for her to go up and she has fun. The lesson? Sometimes things are scary but turn out to be great if we get over our fears long enough to try.
I actually used this lesson in my own life. When I turned 30, I was gifted with a surprise skydiving gift certificate. I was terrified too…it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was all ready to put my foot down and refuse to go. But I had recently seen The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and the scene I described above resonated so much with me, I thought, I am NOT going to be that girl left behind, left out, then crying after because I missed out. So I took the skydive, and you know what? It was AMAZING! One of the most exhilarating, incredible things I’ve ever done.
So I leave you with that thought. If you go home this early, will you regret it? Probably. Home will always be there. Give it some time, at least 30 days, and if you can’t find at least a handful of reasons to stay, then go. No one should be miserable. You have one life to live. But I think you’re going to be just fine, sweetie.
Please let me know how you fare.
Hi,
It’s good to know that others feel homesick like I do. I have been 1,000 miles away from home for 15 years! The moment I started to think about moving closer to home, I met my boyfriend 2 years ago. I had to think about either moving home or dating him. I decided to date him and he is incredible! We have even talked about getting married! Unfortunately, he can not move out of the state for 11 years! He has a young son that he wants to stay close to until he graduates high school. I’m not actually sure if I’m going to be happy staying here that long! I just started feeling homesick a couple of years ago. I only feel that way when I say goodbye to my family at the airport or think about my situation. A few people have told me that I have a new life and they don’t understand why I am still so close to my parents. I question if I should hurt my boyfriend and myself by breaking up or by feeling guilty for not living close to my family. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it! Thanks!
@gritandglamour
August 28, 2012
Hi Tamika~
Choosing between someone you love and a lot of other people you love is NOT easy. I’ve felt the very same thing. In my case, my love came back home with me. Unfortunately, in your situation, with your boyfriend’s commitment to his son, that’s not an option. I admire his commitment to his son, and I’m sure you do too.
You need to think really hard about whether you see yourself becoming a stepmother, and being committed to staying in his state for a least 11 years. That’s a long time, but if he is the love of your life and amazing, and you CAN’T BREATHE WITHOUT HIM, well, there is your answer. But if he’s great, but not necessarily your everything, and you might want to follow your career elsewhere, or have the freedom to go wherever, it may be less painful to part ways now rather than even further into the relationship.
One thing I always ask my husband when he talks about going home is this: after you get back “home,” then what? Because after reuniting with your family and friends and going to those places you love, there is…everyday life. Can you make a living? Can you get a job? Is there a real future for you there?
Also consider why you left “home” in the first place. Were you bored? Needed to explore? Needed to “find” yourself? If you’ve accomplished all you wanted and going back home will still be exciting and fruitful for you, then maybe it’s the right decision. Ultimately, as you know, only you can decide what truly makes your heart happy.
I do wish you luck and hope that you find peace, no matter what decision you make.
Hi,
Thank you so much for your response! That was encouraging! I actually left home at 18 to go into the military (I am out now); I have a great relationship with my family so I wasn’t leaving to get away from them. I always thought I would go back when I was done and so did my parents.
And you are right, there is really nothing much there for me except for family. The hardest part is knowing how sad my parents seem without me. I guess I feel like it’s my responsibility to make them happy. But I do feel like I will not be happy without my boyfriend in my life and that is why I stayed. We want to get married in the next year or two but I know that will be the nail in the coffin, especially for my parents who are probably hoping I will come back. I am afraid of how they will deal with that reality.
I can make it for 11 years as long as I learn how to get my homesickness under control. And I also have no problem being a stepmother! Hopefully I can meet more friends and find more things to do to keep my mind off of home. I know that all of these feelings are stopping me from loving him the way he should be because I always question if I should break up. But honestly, I can’t bring myself to it so I know he is right for me. I was single for a very long time and meeting a guy that is everything I was looking for is not easy to let go off. Fortunately, my boyfriend would like to move as well so if I can hang in there for another decade, that would be great! I appreciate your feedback and if you have anymore, I welcome it. I hope everyone else will be able to have peace in their decisions as well.
Tamika
I have been feeling very homesick lately. I just moved to China from the US for a semester abroad (ive been here about a month). What is hard for me to handle is the fact that I have traveled/lived abroad before and never felt this kind of physical pain. I think one of the main differences is that now I have a serious boyfriend back at home. I have also never lived by myself before, I have always shared an apartment with friends. Here I am living in my own apartment and honestly, it sucks. I miss my boyfriend so much, but I dont want to bog him down by always calling him and being such a bummer. I just want this semester to be over, which is awful, because I generally love this type of adventure. I feel so down and I hate everything.
. I wish I could find my happy, optimistic self somewhere down there.
@gritandglamour
September 30, 2012
Bri~
Sorry to hear you feel so homesick…it’s not an easy thing to cope with, and it makes even a few months feel unbearable. Although it feels just awful right now, I will give you the same advice I’ve given several others in the same situation…this is similar to comment I posted to Dyani above, but it applies to you as well:
…things do get better. You acclimate, and in your situation, you will probably even make some lifelong friendships. Right now, if you need to cry, cry! When classes start, your mind will be re-focused and that is very good for homesickness.
I’m not sure if you read all of this post, or all the comments, but I encourage you to. My advice to you is the same as everyone else: only YOU can determine if you are too unhappy to go on. I think you will be fine after you get into school and start making friends. This is a MAJOR opportunity that so many would love to have. Try to think of it that way—a chapter in your life, a chance to become fluent in Chinese! Try to keep your eye on the prize.
I don’t know if you ever saw The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or not. There’s a scene where Sandra Bullock’s character (played by a little girl) has the chance to take a joy ride in an open-air propeller plane. Her siblings/friends go and they have a ball. But she is TERRIFIED and doesn’t want to. She refuses. Then, later, she feels left out and her mom arranges for her to go up and she has fun. The lesson? Sometimes things are scary but turn out to be great if we get over our fears long enough to try.
I actually used this lesson in my own life. When I turned 30, I was gifted with a surprise skydiving gift certificate. I was terrified too…it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was all ready to put my foot down and refuse to go. But I had recently seen The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and the scene I described above resonated so much with me, I thought, I am NOT going to be that girl left behind, left out, then crying after because I missed out. So I took the skydive, and you know what? It was AMAZING! One of the most exhilarating, incredible things I’ve ever done.
So I leave you with that thought. If you go home this early, will you regret it? Probably. Home will always be there. Give it some time, at least 30 days, and if you can’t find at least a handful of reasons to stay, then go. No one should be miserable. You have one life to live. But I think you’re going to be just fine.
I’m in a little bit of a different situation, but I know the feelings of homesickness all too well. I’m 18 and just finished my first year of college. I’m from New England and I now go to a university in Colorado. I always pictured myself going to a school in the northeast, but I decided I wanted to try something new and branch out. I’ve always been really independent and have always wanted to travel the world, so I came to Colorado. But saying goodbye to my mom was so incredibly hard … I felt like I could barely breathe when she left. That was a month ago, and I am doing better – I’ve gotten involved in lots of activities and my classes are really demanding so that requires a lot of attention. But what I’m wondering is if this feeling will ever go away … despite how busy I am, there are still so many times when I just want to be with my family! I really want to love college, but I’m wondering if my homesickness will make that impossible to do …
The other thing is that I don’t think it would be any easier at a college that was in New England – both of my sisters go to school there, and they only come home on the holidays (which is what I’m doing as well). So I’m just wondering if anyone could tell me from experience that the homesickness does eventually abide – my college has so many opportunities for me to grow and explore, and I really want to take advantage of that and not let my homesickness ruin it for me.
*I meant first month of college!
@gritandglamour
September 30, 2012
Hi Beth!
So sorry to hear you are missing home…but you’re right. I don’t think you’d miss home—or your mom—any less even if you were at a college in New England. That said, homesickness DOES get better. But it takes time. My husband has been in the U.S. with me for two years and he STILL has days of homesickness. Eventually, though, those days become fewer and further between.
You noted your college has lots of opportunities for you to grow and explore—sign up for all of them! The best way to beat the homesickness when it is at its strongest (the beginning) is to literally fill up your days and evenings with lots of distractions. The worst thing is to listen to sad music and stay in your room and feel bad. Even though you may not feel social, try to force yourself to join a group, volunteer, or something to get you connecting with others and your mind focused on the tasks at hand…not home.
The deeper into the semester you get, the more homework you have, the more people you meet, the better you will be. I promise. It sounds like you have a very level head on your shoulders, and I know you can make it through.
I will give you the same advice I’ve given several others in the same situation…this is similar to comment I posted to Dyani above, but it applies to you as well:
…things do get better. You acclimate, and in your situation, you will probably even make some lifelong friendships. Right now, if you need to cry, cry!
I don’t know if you ever saw The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or not. There’s a scene where Sandra Bullock’s character (played by a little girl) has the chance to take a joy ride in an open-air propeller plane. Her siblings/friends go and they have a ball. But she is TERRIFIED and doesn’t want to. She refuses. Then, later, she feels left out and her mom arranges for her to go up and she has fun. The lesson? Sometimes things are scary but turn out to be great if we get over our fears long enough to try.
I actually used this lesson in my own life. When I turned 30, I was gifted with a surprise skydiving gift certificate. I was terrified too…it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was all ready to put my foot down and refuse to go. But I had recently seen The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and the scene I described above resonated so much with me, I thought, I am NOT going to be that girl left behind, left out, then crying after because I missed out. So I took the skydive, and you know what? It was AMAZING! One of the most exhilarating, incredible things I’ve ever done.
So I leave you with that thought. If you go home this early, will you regret it? Probably. Home will always be there. Give it some time, at least 30 days, and if you can’t find at least a handful of reasons to stay, then go. No one should be miserable. You have one life to live. But I think you’re going to be just fine.
Hello! Thank you for creating this blog. I am currently a high school junior studying abroad in Argentina! Aside from struggling with major language barriers, I have realized just how hard it really is to be away from home and my mom. I have been over in Argentina for about 2 months and believe that what I am experiencing right now is terrible homesickness. During school, at home, during activities… all I can think is “All I want to do is crawl under my covers and cry”. It’s very difficult for me because my host sister here doesn’t understand where I am coming from at all. Also, I feel that I have been holding all my emotions in because I feel bad crying or appearing upset to my host parents because they try so hard to make me feel at home and what not. I have honestly been feeling homesick since the second day I arrived. I figured I would get over it, but its still so bad and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it in Argentina. It has been so bad for the past week that I am seriously considering going back to the united states because I don’t want to feel this way until Christmas.
Any feedback you have for me would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
To add one more important piece of information, I had an anxiety disorder called tricotillomania when my parents were going through a rough divorce. (Basically I was subconsciously pulling out my hair and giving myself small bald spots about the size of a penny) Now that I am here in another country this anxiety has returned but even worse. I have recently noticed I have given myself about 2 little patches of baldness. Feeling this way is terrible for me. I have always considered myself an extremely strong, independent and outgoing person. However, 2 months into my 4.5 months and I am so sad and irritable I feel as if I want to return home. I’m wondering if I did the wrong thing by holding my emotions in for the past 2 months and have in turn made them much worse and more severe. In some of the articles I read that you had attached, the possibility of depression as an outcome was mentioned. I am fearful that this could be developing for me.
@gritandglamour
October 1, 2012
Brooke~
I strongly urge you to seek out a counselor at school to talk to. I think it will help, and you certainly don’t need to be depressed or stay in a situation that is bad for your health. If you can’t get more involved in school life and culture there…and it’s making you sick…you should do what’s right for you. Knowing that you are halfway through doesn’t help? In your case, this is NOT a permanent move, so maybe if you talk to a counselor at school, it could help and you can make the most of the rest of your time there. It’s a temporary situation!
Maybe if you focus on that and try to get whatever you can out of it, you will feel better. Skype and talk to your family at home. Focus on your homework and responsibilities, and keep reminding yourself you’re out of there in like 10 weeks! That’s all it is! WEEKS, not months or years.
I
@gritandglamour
September 30, 2012
Hi Brooke, so sorry you’re feeling the blackness and despair of homesickness right now. You’re right…that’s what it is.
I encourage you to scroll through the comments above (or even just the last one right above yours) and read my responses too—many others have felt the same things, and are in the same situation. It usually does get better, but I think you should definitely try to keep yourself busy with more than just class. If there are groups you can join, do. The best way to beat homesickness is to load up your schedule with lots of distractions.
And hey, ARGENTINA?! Go explore! Start a blog about your semester in Argentina! Take a photo a day of your time there and load them up with your shots and stories. Pour your heart out in it! That’s what I did when I was overseas and it really helped. And you may very well help some others, too.
Have one good last cry, then every day decide you’re going to do one thing outside your comfort zone…order a coffee in the native language. Smile at a stranger. Ask your host sister to show you a new place or museum. Explore all the different churches. Try something you’ve never eaten before. Ask your host sister or parents to show you how to cook a typical Argentinian meal. Look at it as an opportunity to soak up as much of the language and culture as you can before you gohome, which will come much sooner than you think.
Keep me posted…I do hope things look up, my dear. I think you’ll be fine!
Your blog is really helpful and I keep on coming back to it when the homesick blues re-visit. I wish there were some other blog out there that really applied to me, though. I am 40 moved over to USA from the U.K to marry my American husband (oh, and I have also been recovering from a head injury). I guess, it would be a tall order to find that blog, but even one that deals with marriage and immigration would help. Man o man, it’s tough. Being newly married for the first time and relocating and recovering from an injury makes me think I was crazy to believe everything would be okay. Crazzzzzy.
I am awaiting AOS, which means at this moment in time I cannot work or drive – try living in America without a car (apart from New York). I am practically housebound and jobless. I was also a mature student in the U.K and I can’t start school until I have been here for a year, although that’s not so far away now.
I miss the independence I had in the U.K — walking everywhere, and going where I pleased without having to wait for someone to drive me around.
I also miss some aspects of my single life, too. It’s been such a tough 8 months and not how I envisaged being a newly married person. I resent living here at times, feel crabby with my husband, tearful, depressed and even trapped at times.
I will be glad when I can work and get around to see if that changes the intensity of how I feel at times.
Culture is such a HUGE part of our identity and the everyday things seem so important when you are creating a brand new life.
8 months of feeling like this!
@gritandglamour
October 21, 2012
Hello McMonkey~
I am so, so sorry to read how badly you are feeling and I’m glad you are venting here, even if it doesn’t change much for you.
It does help to get it out, though. My heart is just aching for you because I went through virtually the same things and emotions. I, too, moved overseas with a troubling health issue in play, got married very soon after, could not work or go to school, did not have a car, left a very cush corporate job at the company I worked for for 10 years, felt a major loss of independence, gave away my beloved Doberman (who I’d raised from a pup), sold the car I loved (my first BMW), and then felt the same cancer-like blackness in my new country, and hated myself for not being able to snap myself out of it. As you noted, it’s not the way to start a new life and marriage; my homesickness caused my husband and I such strife. So I really, really do understand what you are feeling, and it sucks.
BUT, I want to commend you for sticking it out for eight months. I did not fare so well…your resolve and sacrifices should be acknowledged here. Those who’ve never had the courage to do what you did will NEVER understand how incredibly difficult it is. It is gut-wrenching and soul-sucking…but it does get better. I say that because my Hubby just passed his two-year mark as an Aussie expat now in the U.S., and the first year was so tough, but things are 100% better now.
One of this reasons I found Australia so difficult—NSW specifically—wasn’t so much the culture, but the rules and laws. It is significantly less free than my hometown U.S. state. As we all know, having freedoms or luxuries and then having them taken away is more difficult than never having them at all…yeah, that BMW I worked so hard for in the U.S.? Forget it in Oz. It’s literally twice the price. TWICE. Same car. Sheesh.
I still find Australia, beautiful as it is, a bit lacking in technological advances, freedoms, and more. (Uh, two-year phone and Internet contracts, and you pay in full if you terminate early? Seriously? Who is anywhere with the same device for TWO YEARS?!) Being that you are from the U.K., I know there are similarities since Australia is under the queen. I can only hope that in your U.S. state, you are at least afforded more freedoms and find the cost of living less than you did back home. I think the reason why my husband has made it here is because he GAINED a LOT of freedoms moving here, things he could never do or afford to have in NSW. Gaining and not losing in terms of life progress and opportunities makes a big difference. He now understands that my whingeing about air con (lack thereof) and clothes dryers (vs. hanging clothes on the line) wasn’t me being a spoiled American girl. It’s just everyday life here…middle-class stuff and normal. We all have air central con and heat in the south, and outdoor clothes lines are actually NOT allowed in most neighborhoods!
Anyway, again, I want you to know your feelings are valid, legitimate, and a normal part of this transition. If you can just hold out til you get working, it will make all the difference in the world. This is one reason why when my husband was deciding to pursue residency here, we went the long route, which meant being apart for eight months. No joke. Wasn’t easy, but it meant that the moment he hit the ground, his green card would arrive in a few weeks, and he could go to school or work as soon as he wanted. The four months he was here before enrolling in school were the hardest. Like you, with nothing to look forward to daily, you only look backward on what you’re left behind. Since then, he’s continued school, gotten his U.S. driver’s license, gotten a job…and he’s in a happy place now. So it will come. Just get that paperwork done and keep telling yourself this is TEMPORARY! It’s a phase that will NOT last forever.
The only thing that kept me halfway sane in Oz was working out. I don’t know if you do, or if you can with your injury, but if or when you can, I’d strongly recommend it. Whether you join a gym, or do routines at home from the Internet, exercise is a major stress reliever, and it gives you something to look forward to. Challenge yourself with that or something else that’s constructive. Volunteer if you have a way to get there. Resolve to cook one new recipe every. Single. Day. Start your own blog! Do a 365 photo journal…one photo a day for the next year and post it online or through Instagram. Use Meet Up to find other expats in your area. Take an online course. Do ANYTHING you can to stay busy until you have the clearance to work. The Internet is actually your salvation. Use it to make new friends, network, be enlightened, find support or inspiration. There are others going through exactly what you are. Maybe you can actually be a help to them by connecting with them or sharing your story.
I know that all you probably feel like doing is crying and staying home, but it’s actually the worst thing you can do for homesickness. Your tenacity is still being called upon, my dear. The easy part is packing and moving! This is your challenge, and you can do it. You’ve made it eight months (WOOOO HOOOO!) and you can get through this. It does get better, it really does.
Please come back and let me know how you are. Or find me on Twitter or Instagram and let me know it’s you. I’d love to converse with you regularly, if you’d like.
My best to you. Hang in there. Sending you love and light. Enjoy these gorgeous autumn days! And hey, it’s pumpkin season in the U.S. Carve one, use one for a special recipe!
I have to say this: I hate it here! I hate the loss of my independence and the familiar and the routine. I hate the ugly grey big roads everywhere and the lack of quaintness and uniqueness–strip malls are like death. I miss walking places. I miss my old life and my beautiful cat who I could not bring with me. I miss my friends and I miss not getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. I hate it here, because it’s not like a life I would have choose if I had known that it would feel this way. I hate that I have felt so miserable for pretty much 8 months and wonder if I will ever be happy again? I hate that I have days where I cannot do anything apart from cry and feel so terribly sad. I hate it here, because I do not feel strong and resilient. I hate it here, because people stare at me like a circus clown when they hear my accent. I hate it here, because nothing is the same. And, I hate that I miss home as much as I do, which will never feel the same again, because I got up and left everything for a life here. I hate it here, because feeling like this hurts other people and not just me. I hate it here!
@gritandglamour
October 21, 2012
This is good. I know this feeling. I love this comment! Let it all out, my friend, it’s OK.
And know you WILL be happy again. And YOU ARE STRONG AND RESILIENT, because you’re still here! No, it’s not the same…my hubby loathes the strip malls too. BUT there is life beyond them, and beauty in every city of every state, and you will find it in time, I know you will.
And take heart in the accent department. The one GREAT thing you have going for you is that unlike Australia and the U.K. who hate Americans, Americans LOVE Aussies and Brits, and accents even more! They may be looking at you funny…it’s just because it takes our ears time to tune in. Hubby gets the same thing. But after a couple sentences, people are fascinated. Work it to your advantage. It is an icebreaker, a calling card, and something with a lot of caché in the U.S.!
Some days all that stuff feels like some terrible black cancer eating me alive and I wonder what the hell am I doing about it? I have tired all the usual’s and I seem to end up in the same place. Ugh!
@gritandglamour
October 21, 2012
There’s your answer: “I have tired all the usual’s and I seem to end up in the same place.”
Try something different! One thing I didn’t divulge above: right before my move and marriage, I was going through a DIVORCE. During the months leading up to my separation from my first husband, I got into yoga and weight training, and even went through yoga teacher training, which was terrifying because I have terrible stage fright. I just kept thinking, “I’m soooooo far out of my comfort zone right now, why the hell not?!” It gave me the courage to leave a marriage that had long been dead, to throw caution to the wind and try an overseas move. Even though I ended up back in the U.S., moving actually taught me, ironically, that I could be alone and be fine. That I could try something and make it through, one way or the other.
Moral of the story: YOU, too, are THAT FAR OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE that you have nothing to lose by trying new things all the time. No one knows you. This is a chance to create the life and person you want to be. BUT, you have to do different things to ensure different outcomes!
Gritandglamour, wow! Your story and your comparisons have helped sooooooo much. THANK YOU!!!
I really do appreciate all your words. I really do!
The gym thang has also been a challenge due to the old noggin’ issues. Before my accident in the U.K I ran around 50 miles a week, swam and trained in the gym. Since the injury I have sporadically tried to exercise, but the exertion was too much for a head that was repairing itself. It was a real bind not being able to pour my energy into something I absolutely love to do and something that I know helps balance an unbalanced mind. I am no quitter, though.
I have kept at it for the 8 months I have been here, even tried Zumba, which nearly caused a brain seizure, ha, ha. The bilateral actions of zumba — left hand goes here , while right hip goes there, were so freakingly amazingly foreign feeling, which was a total shock, as I have always had great spatial awareness and rhythm, but my brain was having none of it. Not being a quitter I continued the hour long class resembling something like a jellyfish having a seizure, and just made my own moves up when I really couldn’t get it. I even challenged the instructor with a “bring it” comment when she asked if we would like some harder moves! Seriously! I’m sure she thought it was hysterical that the most rhythmically challenged in the class was asking for more. After that class my speech went, linear thinking went, and walking in a straight line for a little while. My neurologist told me that due to my accident my brain actually had the equivalent of a heart attack, and so there is a lot of rewiring going on and it’s amazing how much energy that takes!
I have not been back to Zumba!
The good news is that I am up to 4 x in one week now and pretty much working out like I used too. I cool it off when I feel my head asking for a break, and I amp it up when I can feel the body is okay with it. I am even using an old ring-a-ding alarm clock set for 10.30am to remind me that going to the gym is really important for me and that I must do it and not sit around mopping in the house. The hardest part of being effectively housebound is that even though you come to despise it, it also zaps your motivation and actually makes it harder to get your ass off the sofa and out of the house – I am sure you totally understand that.
So I am hoping that as of this week I will complete 5 days of the gym ( have the weekends off) and maybe even do some running? I ran 4 miles last week and really only concentrated on having a comfortable run, no time pressure, and I ran it in just over 10 minutes a mile, which wasn’t as awful as I though it might be. The hardest part will be maintaining that as I amp it up. I am gonna focus on core stuff and cardio for a while to get my body into better shape. Over the 2 years of healing I have gained about 30 pounds so I really want to get that off too.
My poor husband sobbed in bed last night, because he feels so helpless when I am suffering. Hearing a man cry and that man being your husband made me feel so incredibly bad for putting him through my ups and downs, but I know it’s just a transition the same as adapting to here is. I am in St.Louis by the way!
I have way more to say, especially about some of the things you pointed out that have been so helpful, but I need that gym fix, so I will go sweat it and come back here later.
@gritandglamour
October 22, 2012
Oh, so glad to hear from you and especially to know my responses helped, even if only for one minute of your day! Hope your gym time was super. I’m really happy to know you have that, and setting a ringing alarm to go is an excellent idea. Treat it like an appointment. Good thinking.
I admire your spirit, and commend you for trying to get back the physicality you had prior to your injury. I know it’s frustrating to be on the bench…as active as you were and I am, it would drive me crazy to not able to do what I love doing. But you know, you’re on your way, making strides every day. This is a lesson for you—maybe it’s just to stop and take stock and be grateful for your health and mobility. I know you’re probably looking up at the heavens, thinking, “I get that I need to take stock, but do I have to do it ALL right NOW?!” It’s only because you can handle it. Any woman that can run 50 miles a week, swim, train, AND have a life is a woman with a LOT of discipline. You got this. Watch. You’ll see.
I can tell you’re a fighter, so I know that in 2 months, 6 months, 12 months, you’re going to be a significantly better situation, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And your hubby will make it through. My husband tried so hard to keep me happy when I was overseas, and I’ve had the same challenges with him here. Ultimately, no one can make you happy but YOU. I know you know that.
So, again keep reminding yourself this is temporary. Right now you are in the frustration stage of homesickness, when you hate everything and are grieving the loss of “normal” in your life. Just do what you can to keep your mind occupied and eventually there will be a day when you realize you’re happy, even if it’s only for a couple hours. Those days and times will eventually come closer together and then one day, you’ll go a whole day and realize you didn’t miss “home” that day or feel bad at all. It really just takes time.
Looking forward to whatever else you’d like to share with me.
Hi,
I am 17 years old and currently studying abroad for 6 months in San Francisco. I’ve been here for almost two months and I’m really having a hard time now. I got really homesick when I first came here and after about a week, I started to feel better and after two weeks everything was great. But since a week, I’ve been feeling homesick again. It was my little brother’s birthday this Sunday and he turned 4, which I guess made everything even worse. He started school on Monday and I feel very upset that I can’t be home while all these important things are happening.
But my dad is coming here in two weeks for a few days and I’m going to travel with my sister when she comes here in six weeks. Then my dad will come again in February for a few days.
I really don’t know why I’ve been feeling so homesick because I have so many things to look forward to and I have met a lot of new people here and after school, I’m always out doing things and exploring the city. But the moment I get back home (I live in a residence with many other students from my school), I miss home again and I’m tired of having to go out all the time to not get homesick.
I can be so happy and excited about being here and then the next moment, I just feel like crying and calling my mom to say how difficult it is to be here without everyone that I love.
Scrolling through all the comments above, I feel so weird that I feel homesick so bad because I have enough distraction and I have a routine and I always have people to hang out with. I feel like I’m not supposed to be homesick and I’m just being a baby, especially because nobody says that they’re homesick and they’re just loving everything here.
@gritandglamour
November 12, 2012
Hi Vera! Thanks for your comment. Hate that you are missing home! You know if you read all the comments about that it is totally normal for you to be feeling homesickness, even if you are distracted and have plenty of company. My first weeks in Australia, I was never alone, but felt like I was the only American in the whole country! It may not feel good, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you are not being a baby.
I hope you will re-read a few of the more recent comments above…there have been several exchange students who are going through the very same thing as you are. Just remember that it is TEMPORARY! And then you DO get to go back home! When I moved, it was intended to be permanent, and let me tell you how heavy that feels, knowing you’re kind of gone forever. I did end up going back home, and you will too, so take heart in that. Try to focus on making the next few months your time to complete your U.S. “bucket list”! CA is a huge state, and Vegas is around the corner. Maybe focus on all the things you want to do and see before you go. Start a blog about your experience! I’m sure if you change your thinking a little and look at it as one big vacation, it will help.
Good luck, let me know how you are soon!
Hi,
I’ve just come across your blog after a bit of frantic googling for homesickness and have spent the last hour going through the comments. I just couldn’t just read & run without saying how lovely you are for taking the time to lend an ear and offer support to everyone feeling a bit down from being away from home.
It’s a topic I can soo relate to! I have been away from home for the last ten years (having moved from UK to Italy to be with my now fiancè at 23). I come from a very close family and, even if I’m lucky enough to go home at least once every two months or so, I have never been able to shake off the homesickness feeling. I have a great job, a fab boyfriend and a lovely little apartment (first house just bought together) but I constantly feel that something is missing. Recently, it’s been worse and I’ve spent the last few months quite teary. As some people have desribed, the pain those dark moments can bring is soo really physical. Weekends are worse. I do have nice colleagues as well as a few good friends (all foreign!) but noone who has ever been able to fill the shoes of my family / best friends from home. I did think I’d get used to it and things would be better once I found a better job and we’d bought our own place, but it didn’t turn out that way. In fact, the older I get the harder it is. Neices n nephews are starting to arrive, parents/relatives start to get older and I feel like I am missing out more and more. We’ve been trying for our own baby (that’s another longg blog story!) and are having some problems (another blog tale!!) and I thought that maybe the reason behind the recent spurt of emotion, but reading everyone’s comments to your blog just made me realise the signs all point to homesickness.
Your blog has helped me soo much, just knowing that I am not some crazy lunatic who can’t adapt and is just never happy (after all these years!). Graziieee
Jennifer
@gritandglamour
November 12, 2012
Hi Jennifer, thank you so much for your sweet comment. I’m so elated to know it has helped you and others, even if only for a few hours. I’m sorry to read that you’ve hit a spot of homesickness and there are other things tugging at you emotionally. You’re NOT a crazy lunatic! It’s normal to miss “home” at some point, no matter how long you’ve been in your adopted country, or how many things you have going for you. At least you aren’t too far from home…perhaps popping back for a weekend would help you.
Good luck on your baby project and I’m hoping the holidays bring you glowing happiness and health.
Hi
It’s great reading all about homesickness, we moved to sydney from Ireland in August and our 5 year old is really finding it hard to settle. Crys every night for her old school, friends and home. She is an only child and finding it hard to make friends. Any suggestions
@gritandglamour
November 27, 2012
Hi Breda, so sorry for the delayed response. The one thing about children…they are very resilient, more so than we are as adults! I’d try to keep her busy, take her to new, exciting museums/aquariums/zoos, etc., in Sydney. I loved being able to feed the kangaroos at the Symbio zoo. Even riding the train to the city can be an exciting excursion. Perhaps also consider finding an expat group of mothers who have non-Aussie children also looking to connect with others.
Sydney is full of culture and things to do, so I’d just plan on exploring it as much as possible, and in time, she’ll settle in. Good luck!
I was let go from a job of 14 years in Omaha because of a new CEO. To make ends meet for my family, I’ve taken a position in Baltimore so cash flow is not disrupted. My wife and I talked about this move and felt it was best for our family at the time, but I am so homesick and sad, that I go back to my hotel room and weep nearly every night. I am actively searching for new positions back in Omaha, but until that happens, I’m stuck in a place I don’t like, and whose culture is totally different than my former reality. It’s not a foreign country, but it might as well be since cultural differences abound between the east coast and midwest. I’m going through the bargaining stage of grief at this point, promising God anything to get back to the place I love, and I’m also taking anti anxiety medicine to deal with the lows. Taking one day at a time makes the process not seem so overwhelming, but keeping that focus can be a challenge sometimes.
@gritandglamour
November 27, 2012
Dean, I can feel the anguish behind your comment. I am so sorry that you feel so badly and that a job loss is what forced your move. Being homesick on top of all the stress you must feel totally SUCKS. Keeping the focus on one day at a time, knowing you WILL eventually get back to Omaha is indeed challenging, I’m sure. All I can say is write down exactly what you want. For some reason, I find when I write things down, they almost always come to fruition, even when I don’t have any idea how. And keep working your network in Omaha. I bet as soon as we flip into 2013 and everyone has a fresh budget, there will be more hiring. Just keep reminding yourself (and the universe) that this is TEMPORARY!
Please let me know how you are. I bet you’ll be back home with your family early next year.
I wrote a comment on November 27 that I had been let go of a former position I held for 14 years and took a position in Maryland, expressing my anguish the despair I felt because of my homesickness. You told me to write down what I wanted because I was making a declaration to the universe and that for some reason writing it down seemed to get you what you wanted most of the time.
I did what you suggested, stating that I choose a new job in Omaha by January 15 without anything in the hopper at that time. Long story short is that I was offered a new job on January 18, and accepted it the next day. Conincidence? Maybe, but I prefer to think that God was working on behalf and that writing down one’s choices made a difference. I’m giving my notice tomorrow in MD and then will be driving back to my home. Thanks for listening and responding back to me. It really helped.
@gritandglamour
January 21, 2013
Dean, this is so AMAZING! I am so happy for you! Thanks for coming back and letting me know that you did write what you wanted down, and that things are moving in the direction you have envisioned for yourself. You just experienced exactly what I have experienced when I put my well-intentioned goals into the universe.
Congratulations on your new job, good luck moving, and enjoy being reunited with your family and home! Be sure to celebrate and throw that gratitude back into the universe too. Looks like 2013 is going to be a better year for you…amen to that!
I am so glad i came across this. I’m in a bit of a different situation. I’m 2o years old and finally “own my own” so to speak. This is the first time ive ever left home, and do to finances and other problems with my father’s job my whole family had to move away out of state. I moved in with my boyfriend (of almost 3 years) because the thought of leaving him was breaking my heart. Its been two months now. At first i was a little shaken up at the thought but was ok for the most part. Now i guess the hype of being in my new home is gone. Thanksgiving rolled around and i somehow made it through that. Now Christmas is right around the corner and im even more depressed. Somedays i can’t even get out of bed. I cry off and on and its so unpredictable. I miss them all so much. I feel so alone now and kinda like this “darkness” or depression is taking hold of me and im having a hard time getting a hold of myself. I constantly beat myself up for being “weak” because i cry so much about it and i thought id be better by now. Any tips or ideas on how to help me cope with all of this? Any help would be much appreciated.
@gritandglamour
January 22, 2013
Hi Stephenie, so sorry for the delay in getting back to you! Also hate that you were not feeling good, especially around the holidays. I’m hoping you are settling in more and that things are looking up.
You asked for tips/help for coping with homesickness, and I’d say, be sure to read my post, 10 Tips for Managing Homesickness (http://www.gritandglamour.com/2012/07/24/10-tips-for-managing-homesickness/), as well as all the comments on this post, if you haven’t. I offer a lot of tips in my comments back, and you will see that you are not alone! So many people experience what you are feeling.
Let me know how you are, and I hope you are in a better place now.
Hi, i was looking for some help on being homesick and this helps, thanks! I moved from Kansas City to Minnesota a couple of months ago with my boyfriend for his job. Its been ok up until now. I talk to my family every few days so that helps and my boyfriend was around more and at home every night (for the 3 months before moving he was out of state for his job) so like i said it made things easier. But now he is working 16+ hours a day 7 days a week and i rarely get to see him. I have a job to keep me busy during the week to keep my mind off “home” but i don’t have any friends up here so its making me really miss home and my family and friends. I’m at the point if rejection and am hating everything about Minnesota and North Dakota (since i live on the boarder, live in one and work in the other). I’m really getting tired of being told that i sound like I’m from the South too just because i done over pronounce my O’s. I how thus feeling will subside.
@gritandglamour
February 19, 2013
Hi Hannah, so many other commenters have been through what you are going through. You definitely don’t have to leave your own country to experience homesickness. The first few months are the hardest, that’s just the honest truth. It takes time to create a new “normal” for yourself in your new city. Hopefully through your job you might make some friends, or perhaps at the gym, or church, or through volunteering (there’s almost always an animal rescue that needs help!). Try to stay busy and find ways to expand your circle.
Good luck with everything and please come back and let me know how you are!
Hi there. So about two years ago I decided I wanted to study abroad. Last year at this time I went through with it, and it was an amazing experience. So amazing, in fact, that I decided to come back THIS year.
The difference seems to be that I chose to study abroad the first time around because I wanted the new experience, the new culture, the new people. This time, I’m not sure why I came back. Because I wanted to hang onto the past? Possibly. But whatever the reason, I’ve never been so down.
My friends are the same, but my feelings are drastically different. I’ve been here for over three weeks now, and I feel like I’m stuck. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my bed and my cat. I want to go home so badly sometimes that I can’t breathe – I’ve had several panic attacks that leave me feeling like I’m dying. This time around, I’m miserable, and I don’t get it because last year was amazing. I still go out with my friends, but I have this constant weight on my chest, this nagging anxiety that never leaves.
I’m terrified of going the rest of the semester feeling this way. I just want to go home…
@gritandglamour
March 7, 2013
Hi Karissa, thanks for your comment.
Sorry to read you’re having such a difficult time. I suspect that you’re getting a touch of homesickness, because unlike the first time you studied abroad, things are not new, different, and exciting. It’s often the change, the fun of exploring new places and the unknown that make time away from home less daunting. That “unknown” is a challenge that keeps us busy, physically and mentally, so we spend less time thinking about what we’re missing back home. Since you’ve returned to a place you’ve already been, a place where you had established patterns, that “newness” and excitement is not there anymore.
Although homesickness can be quite crushing, try to remind yourself this is TEMPORARY…you’re actually already almost halfway through the semester! Try to make the most of it. This may be the last time you have the freedom and privilege you currently have to just explore and do what you want. Once life kicks in after college, trust me, you’ll wish you had that kind of freedom and opportunity. Just remember every day you wake up and look in the bathroom mirror that you’re a day closer to leaving, so carpe diem! Grab your friends and make a pact to maximize your time there, to be in the moment while walking in nature, cooking together and learning new recipes from that country, or maybe even volunteering.
Stay busy and you’ll be home before you know it!
@AshleyLeQuere
April 2, 2013
It’s great to read all the comments here! And the honesty of the blog. I have just moved to Melbourne from London with my partner and its crazy to see so many people finding life in Australia just as hard as I am. Been here nearly 3 months now and I have been exactly through the grief of homesickness but didn’t really put two and two together, my boyfriend thought I was going crazy with all the mood swings but your exactly right, I have a huge hole in my heart and I’m grieving for the good life we had back home! Life here is so completely different, so much more money worries! But it has been so good to read your blog and realise I’m not going crazy! Hehe going to send this to my boyfriend! Thanks! : )
I was really pleased to stumble upon the blog and comments, it is reassuring knowing that other people have felt exactly the same way, and it seems like writing these feelings down might help.
I moved from the UK to Norway around 9 months ago, and i found that the feelings of homesickness started straight away and have not gone away. I moved here with my partner after he was offered a good job over here, when we first found out about it, it seemed so exciting, but i think even then i knew that i would struggle, as homesickness is something i have had at many points in my life.
The feelings range from anger, to irrational dislike of local customs, fear of going out and general sadness. One of the big problems is that whilst my partner goes to work every day, i have not managed to find work as i do not speak norwegian (I am learning, but it is hard!), so even though i am well qualified, there is very little work available(which means that money is also a big issue). Every day i think that the saddest thing is that i have literally nobody to talk to about it, as i know no one who lives here.
The silly thing is that we live in a beautiful area, overlooking the sea, with the beach 5 minutes walk away – these are things i never dreamed of having in the uk, but although i enjoy these things, they do not make up for missing home. I often imagine myself waking up and just walking to the shops in my old city in the uk, or seeing my friends from work, or just strolling to the park on a sunny day. It is silly as well because although i miss my home city, i would gladly go back to anywhere in the uk just to get away from the language barrier.
I hope these feelings will eventually go away, but it feels like it has been such a long time since i have really felt like me, and i can’t help thinking it is all my own fault as i had thought i might feel like this but just ignored those feelings!
Hi..!!
Actually I have read and heard a lot about homesickness and depression but I have a problem whose solution i’m not able to get. I did my B.tech from delhi, India but then my family shifted to other place and I got my job in Noida. I spent months in the starting very well but then I used to have symptoms like uncomfortableness, awakening in the night, B.P. low..even sometimes in night I used to get up n start feeling very low and becuase of this I had to be admitted to hospital 2 times… It was going worse and worse every day…. The frequency of my problem was increasing… So i went to a psychiatrist and he said that being away from home has become a cause of these symptoms and gave me medicines..I took them for a while but I dont wanna get addicted to them….
Finally i decided to leave the job and get back to home…as I thought that feeling comfortable on medicines basis is not good at all…afterall I am making my life a mesh of medicines..Is this a fine decision?? Should I stick to it or need to change it?
Please help.