A Journey of Weight Found and Lost: Day 23

::: This post is part of a 30-day series of posts by G&G guest contributor LA. :::

Don’t let a size define you.


I’ll admit it…I was size hungry in a big way as I headed towards my goal weight. I was with my sister in law the first time I pulled a pair of size 6 pants on and actually cried in the dressing room. Two years prior I’d been buying 26W and 3X and here I was…in a Banana Republic dressing room with size 6 pants on and it wasn’t a dream.

The pants were of a dogwood print. My friend that had died the prior August was such a fan of the dogwood and when I had shared the story of the dogwood blossom with her, she told me that it was going to be her new favorite blossom, and that she could not wait for the following spring to arrive and see them in all their glory. She did not live to see that, but her husband plants a pink dogwood in her honor each year and anytime I wear those pants, I have the double joy of feeling that I have a little part of her with me and the joy I felt when I pulled them on, buttoned them and took it all in.

So imagine my surprise when I went to another store and none of the 6 pants I liked fit. The 8s did…but not the 6. And another brand that I love, it was a 10 that I had to put on without having dromedary metatarsal syndrome.

Me at 25-30 pounds from goal weight.
Me at 25-30 pounds from goal weight

There is so much variance between manufacturers…and even styles within the same maker, that if I let myself, it would be very easy to get upset about being one size over another. And yes…it really did make me feel GREAT to hit a size 6…but it was one pair of pants in one store. And sure, I have other 6 pants and skirts now, but I don’t beat myself up if I find I need a different number on the tag to have something fit right.

It wasn’t simply a size I was going after…it was a slimmer, healthier self. It was a healthy weight and fit version of myself. And if that is a 6…okay. If that is a 10…okay.

Among my friends I certainly do have those that lament the size they are in. Or those that have soothed themselves with the fact that Marilyn Monroe wore a 16 in her younger years. And yes, she did, in the sizes back then. Check out the pattern sizes then and now. She was not a 2015 size 16. Anyone truly looking can clearly see that.

The mind, however, is an amazingly powerful computer with countless applications we design for ourselves, borrow from society and glean via input (often unsolicited or inferred) from others.

 We can bang our head into the metaphorical wall chasing something totally unrealistic (me as a size 2 for example) or mollify ourselves by saying we wear the same size as Marilyn Monroe, when that isn’t the case at all. 

I think sometimes the hidden bruises and broken selves we have from that emotional self-flagellation is more hurtful and difficult to recover from than visible wounds. Just as I would not have been able to set my own broken femur, I could not repair the broken psychological and emotional wounds that I’d been feeding for so long on my own. Cornerstone One was/is key to helping heal the invisible damages inside and were reflected on my outside for decades.

More than just a number

So while I did actually have a moment of euphoria—well, maybe a dozen extended moments over the next week or so—after pulling a size 6 on, I cannot let it define me. I won’t let that be the thing I cling to even if the vanity sizes continue to go up and up (and I believe they will) in size nor will it be the thing that I disparage myself over if I find I am in a 10.

Am I within 5 pounds of my goal weight? Are my clothes at that weight fitting well? Do I feel healthy and have the desired level of stamina and physical fitness?

If those answers are no, I’ll make changes. If those answers are yes, then I’ll keep on keeping on.

I’m not about to wholly focus and judge my worth or success by a number on a tag hidden in my clothing that is as random as can be, or so it seems at times.


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1 comment

  1. sizes are random, indeed. i go by my own measurements. i don’t care for dressing rooms. i’m an expert at telling what will fit by holding the seams against me and comparing where they fall. i bring a tape measure in case i find something that might be a yes or no, in terms of fit.