Off with your head!
Just as I had not been able to really see the true largeness of my physical self, I struggled to see the reduction of my physical self.
Sure, I was aware I was getting smaller. I bought smaller clothing. I fit in cars and theatre seats more easily. I had to buy a smaller belt. People did not audibly groan when I sat beside them on a plane or bus. But I could not fully SEE myself as smaller.
I used to wear a lot of Talbot items. They go up to a 24W and are classic and fit my style for many years. As I slimmed down, it was nice to a) know a brand and what I liked b) have the ability to go between W and non W sizes in the same store c) there are many stores so it is easy to get to where I live.
One day as my husband and I were rushing to and fro doing errands we zipped past the window of one of my most favorite linens stores. If you have not slept on Sferra or Matouk sheets, I highly recommend you invest in them. I digress…
And because when you shop at Talbots and are near a Talbots you often see other women in similar or identical outfits, it was not surprising to me when I saw a woman in Bedside Manor in the same outfit I had on. I remarked to my husband that I could not wait to be the size of that woman.
That one we just passed inside the linens shop.
I repeated myself and he took me gently by the arm and led me back to that woman. She was there, in the window, standing with my husband.
I WAS the size of ‘that woman’ and could not see it for myself until I saw me without my head, rushing by. And in many conversations with others, including my therapist, I have come to staunchly believe that we have an imprinted memory of ourselves and just like the family and friends who think we are blowing away when we are reaching a healthy weight, the picture we hold in our heads is the heavy version of ourselves, and until we shake free of that memory, it’s the first thing we see.
Regardless of what is there TO see.
I stood there with happy tears in my eyes and really saw myself for the first time since ‘that picture’ had revealed my truth of big; having my head cut off in the reflection allowed me to reveal the truth of my not-so-big.
While I love taking photos of myself with my head visible, I also ask for photos to be taken of me from the neck down and see how that impacts the picture of self in my mind.
If you are on a journey and feeling like you are not getting where you want to be and making every effort in other areas…OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! See if that photo of you without your face making a mental imprint helps you reach a celebratory milestone. I am hoping it does!
And I’d love to hear your AH-HA moment!
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