Flowers could be misinterpreted, and other stupid myths…

V-Day is coming. D-Day. Ugh.

Because Valentine’s Day is around the corner and love is the topic of the week, I’ve been pondering hetero love in the 21st century. Between that and a recent conversation I had about the romance dance that goes on between the sexes, I felt compelled to post this PSA. So back to fashion tomorrow; today is about relationships and reality.

OK. Let’s establish a few things first:

1. Since women became “equal” and all that, traditional gender roles have changed. Some women have taken the Independent Woman persona a little too far. Consequently, those women are usually single. And still looking.
2. Men are confused as hell about how they fit in, how to interact with the modern woman.
3. Modern women are complicated and opinionated, but they are still women.

Now, some observations that I hope will help both my male and female readers…

On flowers:
Gents: You think flowers could be misinterpreted if given early in a relationship. Or you don’t give flowers because they die (and it’s a waste of your money) and you think she doesn’t really care. The truth:  All women like flowers. No woman is going to be offended if you give her flowers. Ever. And no matter what she says, she occasionally wants flowers. Whether it’s for a birthday, anniversary, first date, or just because, she wants them. And she will note the gesture and show you her appreciation. It doesn’t matter if the flowers are a grocery store bouquet, high-falutin’ and expensive, or from your mama’s garden. Flowers have a way of altering a woman’s thinking, and they will save your ass almost every time. Give flowers regularly and she will probably give it up regularly too.

On sex:
Ladies: Men want sex. Often. That doesn’t mean once a month. Really, it should be once a week if at all possible and actually, even more frequently than that. I know you’re tired and the kids are running you ragged and yeah, you’d like it too, but there’s just no time or energy left most days. The truth: If you withhold long enough, he’ll eventually look for it elsewhere. I’m not saying all men are prone to cheating, or that regular sex is a guarantee against infidelity. All I’m saying is he married you because he thought you were hot and the sex was good, and it made him happy. Get your kids on a schedule, and get in a quickie at the minimum. If he’s initiating, even if you feel disgusting, he clearly does not care. Take one for the team. And don’t use it as a bargaining chip, ever.

Gents: You want sex? She wants romance. That doesn’t mean flowers all the time, or dinners or candlelight, though that’s all good. It means reading her and responding in kind. She’s harried? You might be tired and hungry, but send her off to a nice bath and you finish prepping dinner and dealing with the kids. Next time she’s prattling away in the house, grab her, look her in the eyes, and give her a compliment of some sort. The more you show that you appreciate her, the more she will show you her appreciation. And one more thing: it ain’t all about you. If you’re not rocking her world first, start making that the priority and you know you’ll get your chance too. If you don’t know what it takes to do it, make that your 2010 goal. Ask her, Google it, order toys or props or whatever it takes. Like Nike says, Just Do It.

On chivalry and etiquette:
Gents: I’m sorry that some crazed feminist once berated you because you opened a door for her. But realize she does not speak for all womankind. Be a gentleman and be chivalrous, because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Open her door, pull out her chair in a restaurant, help her with her coat, take her hand and help her out of the car; walk at her pace instead of expecting her to half-jog in heels to keep up with you; stand up when greeting someone or being greeted; offer your seat to pregnant women and the elderly; say please and thank you; lift the heavy stuff and carry the packages; pump the gas; keep your hands out of your pants; don’t talk with your mouth full, belch, break wind, spit, or snort in her presence. Treat her like a lady, with respect. She will appreciate it and when you also treat others well, it still scores you points. Because people view you as a good, honorable man, and she will beam with pride and think how lucky she is to have a man like you in her life. And you’ll feel good because you know it’s the right thing to do.

By the way, while I’m on the subject of behaving well, gents, please pay close attention to the next sentence. We know you look at other women, but when you’re with us, look discreetly and never, ever stare. That makes your lady feel bad and look bad. If you are with your love, never, ever turn your head to look at another woman. Once she has passed, that is it. We know you love us, but it still makes us feel inadequate when you lose your train of thought or your head practically spins around backwards looking at another woman.

Ladies: Act like a lady if you expect him to treat you like one. Don’t don’t talk with your mouth full, belch, break wind, spit, or snort in his presence. Say please and thank you. He doesn’t need to witness the ugly truth of your beauty maintenance routine or see you on the commode. Set a standard from day one and he will respect you for it. If you live together, you’re close enough. He doesn’t need to see everything you do to be connected to you. Keep some of yourself to yourself and for yourself.

On modern women:
Gents: No matter how strong, smart, capable, resourceful or independent we are, deep down, we really want you to be stronger, smarter, more capable, more resourceful, and more independent than we are. That doesn’t mean you should be condescending, arrogant, boastful, or rub our faces in it. Just be a man, be strong, be decisive. We really do want you to make the reservations, kill the bugs, provide for us, wrap your big arms around us when we cry, and have a plan. Sure, we can provide for ourselves and manage it all. But we want you to do it, because your strength makes us feel comforted and safe. A good man will not tear a strong woman down; he will build himself up.

And don’t think that the grass is greener on the other side. All women are complicated. We’re ruled by our hormones and emotions, so you might think life could be easier with another woman, but it probably is not. You’re just getting a different set of expectations and requirements. We will never be a simple as you are because we can’t be.

Ladies: If he’s doing all the man stuff you love, you have to do the woman stuff he loves. Men only need the three F’s to be happy: they need to be fed, flattered, and (for the sake of helping you remember), that other f-word. So if you can’t cook, learn. He may love to joke about how you can’t boil water, and he may not complain, but deep down he wishes you could cook. And cook well. And you should know that there is truth in the saying that the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Flattery is important to men as well. There is a lot of ego involved in being a man, and he needs to feel appreciated. In reality, he may be tough, but men are far more sensitive than most women realize. So tell him how much you appreciate his kindness and gestures. That he took out the trash. That he deserved that promotion and you are so proud.

Finally, the other f-word. Re-read On sex above. Again, like Nike says, Just Do It. Sometimes even when you don’t really feel like it. I think that for some women, sex is like going to the gym. You don’t really have time for it, or you’re tired or you have PMS, but you drag yourself there anyway. And notice how once you’re there, you actually feel great? Same thing. Remember, sex is fun and it feels good. And you should be Googling too, by the way. Especially if you’ve been with the same person for years. If it’s getting routine, change it. Try something new. Buy something new. Whatever it takes.

On your appearance:
Gents: Manscaping and maintenance is important. Whatever you were doing when you first met her, continue. Working out? Keep doing it, even if it’s only a couple workouts a week. We love you, but seriously, we don’t love that spare tire. The only “soft” thing on a man we can overlook is a soft heart. Otherwise, stay fit. Be the best you can be. Be neat, clean, groomed.

Ladies: Of course maintenance is important. Whatever you were doing when you first met him, continue. He will love you with stretch marks and maybe 10 extra pounds, but don’t push it. Don’t bait and switch. Children are NOT a reason to give up on the way you look. Put yourself first. If you have to wake up 15 minutes earlier to get yourself together, then do it. Did you meet him in sweats, makeup-less, with greasy hair? No. Put on some makeup, and at least occasionally, put on a dress or something ultra-feminine, because that’s what he really wants to see, no matter what he tells you. He’s smart enough to know how to answer your questions about your appearance, so don’t ask. Know that he really wants the opposite of himself: pretty, sexy, curvy, and in a dress that showcases it appropriately.

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