Madge is Making the Rounds

Post-gym yesterday, I hit the grocery store to pick up a couple things. I spot Madge’s mug on Elle and Vanity Fair. Seeing the VF cover, I think, Now that’s what I need on my fridge door. Proof of Madge’s legendary discipline to keep me on the straight-and-narrow. I promptly buy them up.

Back at home I read both articles, the first, “Force of Nature,” in Elle, by Simon Doonan, an admitted Madonnaphile. The second, “Madonnarama,”by Rich Cohen. What a marked difference between the two. Please, give me the gay, Simon Doonan, Madonna-loving perspective any day.

Really, what did I expect from a VF writer? Genuine enthusiasm? A shred of a spark of life? VF writers are generally the most smug, jaded people. Strident and condescending like a New Yorker caught in Wal-Mart in Oklahoma without a mobile phone. Hubris to spare.

After being flown to California, and arriving at the office of the talent agency that reps Madge, Cohen is whisked into a room to screen her latest project, I Am Because We Are.

“After the movie,” he writes, “I was brought to the office of Madonna’s manager, where I sat in a boardroom and listened to Madonna’s new record (Hard Candy) on an iPod. It was a long day. The morning flight, the articles, the movie, the record, then the interview. It was like being brainwashed. Like being dropped in a vat of Madonna. But it’s how they wanted it—how I was purified and prepared. Like they do in the cults. Make sure the mark is softened before he sits with the eminence.”

So, Cohen, what did you expect Madonna wanted to chat about with you? Her gym sessions with Gwynnie? Her plans for the weekend? You’re there to interview her about her projects, and since they’ve not been released to the public, how else will you know what they are about? I mean, what a dumbshit. He could’ve said no.

Anyway, it just cracks me up the way VF writers all act like they’re sooooo much cooler than everyone else. How being immersed in Madonna’s world is such a drag, because they’re so much more intellectual and so uninterested in pop culture. Give me a break. He’s probably just jealous because Madge decided how he would be managed during the interview process and he got his knickers in a twist.