Banana(s) is right!

OK, admittedly, Banana Republic is not the epitome of high fashion. But it’s in every mall and on every corner, and once upon a time, there were some cute things to be had for practically pocket change. Basics, at minimum. And for a few sparkling seasons, the most adorable, affordable clutches I’ve ever seen. I still reminisce.

These days, however, Banana is, well…bananas…for allowing its designers to vomit preppy/boho/nautical all over all those freshly remodeled stores. Come on, people. Did we really need another J. Crew?

I’m issuing a fashion citation, Banana Republic. You are charged with fraud…for passing these horrific pieces off as fashionable when they are not only NOT fashionable, they are downright offensive. Let the record show that the following exhibits were entered on this 7th day of February, in the year 2008.

Exhibit 1: The Ugly-Ass-Skirt-With-Top Look

I’m sorry, but did they accidentally ship this hot little number to B.R. instead of Wal-Mart?

And bold pattern on bottom, dark solid on top? Even Ms. Anorexia Nervosa looks hippy. And there’ll be no skin showing here, eh?! Let’s take that top straight up to her ears so she can really look uptight. Sheesh.

Exhibit 2: The Aunt-Ethel-Left-It-To-Me-In-Her-Will Blouse

Old Auntie Ethel always loved her prints and dangly earrings. And Banana Republic does too! For just $78, you can look like Auntie Ethel too!

Warning: This one could be a serious man magnet. If you’re 80. Perhaps the only two places this top might be appropriate is at confession or in court.

Exhibit 3: The I-Just-Ate-Mexican-And-Spilled-Some-Too-But-It-Doesn’t-Matter Tunic

Don’t let this simple tunic fool you. It is multitasking/camouflaging at its best. You can not only stuff yourself on chips and guacamole, enchiladas, and cervezas, if you accidentally drop some of those refried beans on your shirt, no worries! It all blends right in.

Bonus: Covers burgeoning bellies of all sorts…PMS bloat, the aforementioned beans, a bun in the oven, what have you. It’s like a jack-of-all-trades, this one.

OK, OK. As my friend Ben would say, “Easy, girl, you’ve got some venom dribbling down your chin.” But I really just couldn’t resist! I (stupidly) continue walking into Banana Republic hoping the designers will have realized the error of their ways. But alas, it is not to be. And I ain’t going in that place anymore.

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