Do you ever wish there was a switch you could flip that would just turn off all emotional thought? Even if only for five minutes?
Without divulging details, I must confess that I feel a bit like a fish out of water at the moment. Like I am looking at my life through a crystal ball. I see me, I recognize my face, my body, my clothes, many of my thoughts. My actions are familiar. But my life seems to be going off on this tangent that is totally foreign, completely unrecognizable, uncharacteristic, unpredictable. I like it and am afraid of it. I am looking forward to it even if I kind of want to run from it. Now how can any of that make any sense at all?
Could this be the bittersweet taste of my own mortality? Loneliness? Maturity? Womanhood? All of a sudden, I am not in the same class anymore. I feel about 21, but I am not. Every once in a while I get a reminder of that beyond the lines forming on my face in the mirror. I’m trying to see past those but it’s getting more difficult as they are starting to hang around long after the smiling is done. All I know is I have a sudden, very acute sense of time. That it is passing at warp speed, and then, not. That—crap!—the push really is coming to shove, and I don’t have the luxury of procrastination anymore. Before I know it, I’ll wake up and I’ll be 40, and God, I’ll have to be a real adult!
I suppose that this post could be considered a warning of sorts. I am at a crossroads in life, there is no doubt in my mind. The decisions I make over the next year will alter the course of my life forever. And it’s really time for that, it is. All I can say is, don’t be surprised. By anything. I’m not only feeling the need to do something different, more fulfilling, more meaningful, more exciting—I’m feeling, very strongly, the rebellion of my youth resurfacing. That’s what happens when you’re a rebel at heart and you play by the rules too long, I think. One day—or one year—you wake up and you’ve just had enough. And dear friends, 2007 happens to be that year.