According to Wikipedia, “a deviation is a difference or the (real or metaphorical) route followed by a different choice.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of deviation lately. I’m feeling a strong pull in this direction, in the direction of deviation, diversion, differentiation, distinction. (I suppose listening to Nine Inch Nails tends to have that affect on you.) But this inherent need to deviate has been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember.
So I’m wondering…what’s behind this resurgence of deviation in my mind? Is it because for the first time in 15 years or more, I am somewhat unaffilated, formally unattached to any member of the opposite sex? Am I finally “grown up” enough to recognize truths about myself and fully accept them?
It’s an interesting place to be. Interesting because the more I deviate from my life of the last few years, the more my friends claim shock at witnessing new aspects of my personality…which I find pretty comical given that they are just facets of the “real” me surfacing again, parts of me that have lain dormant for years. Obviously, the only people who have witnessed me for every year of my life are my parents, and I bet if you ask them, the fact that I’ve got them guessing again is more than vaguely familiar, much to their dismay, I’m sure. But I think I’ve finally, truly reached that place that I think almost everyone reaches at some point: being unapologetically you. It’s a good place to be.
I think for the first time in my life, I’m strong enough to say this is me, like it or not and really mean it. Really feel it. To know it, breathe it, live it. To not subscribe to anyone else’s vision of me, not feel the need to live up to anyone else’s expectations of me. I’m ready to just be me, whoever I am on that day. I can’t fight the hard edge of my personality and can’t pretend that I’m unaffected by those who treat servicepeople unkindly. Because I am light and dark, deep and shallow, serious and frivolous. Why deny who I am, try to be who I am not to keep the peace? I am liable to spew a string of four letter words in a second flat, also perfectly willing to host a proper tea party with girlfriends. I’m good with that. In fact, I like that.
“To thine own self be true…” yeah, old Will hit the nail on the head. Live your truth and you will never wish you had a chance to do it all over again.
PS: Recommended NIN: “Closer (Precursor),” “With Teeth,” “All the Love in the World.”