Recently, as I’ve been out to dinner or on the town, or hell, even at the movies, I’ve caught myself studying couples and actually thinking to myself, I wish I had that. It’s a surprising thing for me because I’ve not spent much time wishing I had someone, since I’ve always had someone.
So for the first time in my adult years, I’ve become acutely aware of my aloneness, and I must admit that all the thoughts I had about being a free agent and how great it would be were erroneous. Well, to some degree. That’s not to say I regret my decision, because I absolutely don’t. But it’s really a different ballgame when you’ve got no one, when you know the weekend is coming and there’s no date, no one to share things with, nothing to look forward to. I’m not sure why I find this to be such a revelation, as I just admitted in my last post that I am codependent with a capital C. But I dare say that this is the longest I’ve been without a significant other since about age 15. And it’s only been a couple months! But now I’m looking out at the world very differently, and I see these couples sharing a glass of wine together, I witness their chemistry, and I think to myself, will I ever have that?
You know, I mistakenly thought, going through this, I’m done with marriage. I’m done with being vulnerable. I want to call the shots. I won’t get wrapped up in it again. The truth is, however, that I am a hopeless, hopeless romantic. I want to love and be loved. I want to be with someone who makes my heart sing. I want passion and fire and I want to be the center of someone’s world (who doesn’t?). I’d love to have someone who wants to take care of me. I do believe in love. And yes, as stupid as it sounds to me at this moment, I do want to get married again.
Then in the same breath, I can say that I am terrified by the very thought of opening myself up to that again. I hate the wondering…will he like me back? Does he like me like I like him? Is he serious? I’m finally starting to understand what it is that people are going through on the dating scene. But more than that, I realize that life is not meant to be lived alone. So I can only hope that one day I will find that connection with someone, and that once I find it, it will last. I know it’s not easy, but I’m nothing if not committed. I’m willing to take the gamble, even if the stakes are high.