Everything You Wanted to Know About Kanon's Cohones But Were Afraid to Ask

CLEARLY, this is an irreverent post. Clearly. So if you offend easily, stop here in the name of all that is prudent. (But then again, if you’re that type, I can’t imagine you’d be reading my blog anyway.)

My 2.5 year old Doberman, Kanon, is way overdue for the snip-snip. Wish I didn’t have to do it, ’cause I like that he’s intact…kind of goes with the tough dog package…but I signed a contract with the breeder, and so it’s ciao for Kanoni’s (as I call him in Greek) cohones. Tomorrow is his last day with the boys. Neutering is nothing new, mind you. Most of us have dogs and have gone through this a number of times.

My point in bringing this up is the very funny conversation I had with the ex regarding Kanon’s goods. It kind of went like this…I called the ex regarding something else, and filled him in on the upcoming event:

V: …Yeah, so I finally made the big appointment for Kanon. This Friday.

N: Aw, poor boy. That sucks.

V: I know. I hate that I have to do it.

N: So are you going to do the Neuticles?

V: I don’t think so. You know, I’m worried that there might be complications, especially when they’re unnecessary. I mean, they’re really for us, right? Not like he’s going to miss them.

N: Oh, you’ve got to do them…you don’t want his bloody empty scrote flapping around. I hated that about Krieger. It’s awful.

V: I don’t know. I would rather see balls back there than nothing. I suppose I’m used to seeing them everyday on our walk, you know? But still…and I have no idea how much they cost.

N: Look, you have to do them. I’ll pay for them. How much can they be?

V: Really? OK. Well let me research them some more. I want to see if they’re really safe. Hold on, let me Google them while I’ve got you on the phone.

N: OK.

V: (Pulling up Google, searching, finding, http://www.neuticles.com/). Alright, let’s see. Um, can’t find a price. Hold on. (More surfing.) They seem to be safe. (V continues scanning the site while N waits.) Oh. Seems there are three types: Originals, Naturals for $159 a pair, and Neuticles UltraPlus…for $329 a pair and up! God, $400 for balls?! (Silence. V scans site.) You know what. If we do this, we HAVE to do the top-of-the-line ones. Here’s why, let me just read this to you:

(V reads the following on the Web site):

“What is scar tissue development?
Some pets develop scar tissue. It is totally harmless and does not disfigure the Neuticle in any way. Scar tissue is a micro-thin film that may surround the Neuticles making it feel firmer to the human touch. While this is not a concern to most pet owners the way to eliminate potential development is to gently massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible formations or to Neuticle their pet with the Neuticles UltraPLUS which features a special textured exterior which virtually eliminates the risk of potential scar tissue development. “

N: So what you’re telling me is you don’t want to massage the dog’s balls.

V: HELL NO I DON’T WANT TO MASSAGE THE DOG’S BALLS!!!!! (N snickers, V laughs). You still want to pay for them? $400 for balls for the dog? That’s almost as much as the surgery.

N: I don’t know. Let me check the bank account.

(V thinks, Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

So will Kanon get his implants? Stay tuned.

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